Call me "old-timey," but it seems like you can't swing a diabetic cat these days without hitting some movie where a bunch of teenagers are being physically tortured. There's Saw, Hostel, Saw II, Hostel II, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry. Now, I like the idea of torturing teenagers just as much as the next sadistic homicidal maniac with a pair of sharpened needle-nose pliers—but I don't see it as "entertainment." It's more of a cultural necessity! The girls all dress like prostitutes, the boys are all sex-crazed lunatics, and yet it's become increasingly difficult to torture and kill them in an efficient manner. For example, they're all "too cool" to go to summer camp! So where is a maniac supposed to find his teen prey? At the mall food court??
Not that I'm a homicidal maniac or anything. I just appreciate the difficulty these people must face on a daily basis.
Anyway, I'm more interested in mental than physical torture—just ask my ex-wives! (Buh-dum-DUM!) And that's why I'm pleased that television isn't letting these new-fangled Hollywood snuff films have all the sadistic fun. Check out these new reality shows debuting this week, all of which are torture-ific!
• Solitary (Fox Reality, debuts Sat Aug 4, 11 pm)—This show is kind of like a cross between Survivor and you sitting in a tiny room with a gun and blowing your brains out. A group of people are each confined in their own solitary cell—about half the size of a pitcher's mound—with no one to talk to except a disembodied voice who tells them when to eat, sleep, and (probably) poop. The contestants never see each other, and the last one to hit the "panic button" (which automatically releases them) wins a bunch of money. So in theory, this show could go on for years! I've been looking for a reality show where contestants sit around doing nothing but picking their toes—and finally my prayers have been answered!
• Fat March (ABC, debuts Mon Aug 6, 9 pm)—The plot for this one is pretty simple... and torturous! Twelve overweight contestants must walk over 570 miles, from Boston to Washington, D.C., to win $1.2 million. The plot will also unintentionally remind viewers of similar marches from the past—like the Trail of Tears or the Bataan Death March. The main difference? Political prisoners generally don't get a million bucks for losing weight.
• Mission: Manband (VH1, debuts Mon Aug 6, 10 pm)—Truly the greatest decade of humankind was the early 1990s, when boy bands ruled the airwaves! However, as soon as they acquired pubes, the members of Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, and O-Town lost their fame and fortune. But instead of digging through Dumpsters looking for half-eaten hot dogs, a few of the surviving members have decided to live in a house together, record new music, and re-form as an over-the-hill pop singing crew called "MAN BAND!" Torturous? Oh, you bet your sweet ass, it is! FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED! In fact, this show is a lot like Saw II—except you'll be stabbing your own eardrums out. 
