IN THIS, THE MOST BLESSED of holiday seasons, it would behoove us to stop and take note of what is truly important -- like Jennifer Lopez's sugar-coated booty. "Hold on, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!" I hear you cry over the din of jingle bells on your toes. "While the booty of Jennifer Lopez is truly a wonder of the world, and remarkably similar in its structural perfection to your own critically acclaimed backside, why should this holiday be singled out as the season of ass-gratification?" Well, I'm glad you asked. It's a scientific fact that stress levels skyrocket during the holidays. So with everything else we have to worry about -- poverty, disease, the Celine Dion Christmas Special -- the last thing we want weighing down upon us is the possibility (infinitesimal as it may seem) of forever losing the booty of Jennifer Lopez.

Well, now we can rest easy. Because according to The London Sun, Jennifer has insured her body (and in particular, her sweet and juicy double-bubble) for ONE BILLION DOLLARS. Apparently, Ms. Lopez's management convinced her to take out the hefty policy to protect her most profitable components (evidently NOT her acting or singing talents) in case of accidental mutilation. Though ONE BILLION DOLLARS may seem like a lot of money, I consider this investment to be worth every penny. I don't expect any of you to understand, but when your career is built on the strong foundation of a deliciously perky honey-baked ham (like in mine and Jennifer's cases), you will rightly go to any lengths to protect it.

Since we're all well aware of how my humpy rump spiraled me to my success (i.e. mentioning it in every column for five years), you may be interested to know that before starring in Out of Sight with George Clooney, before the Loreal commercials reminding us how much she's "worth it," and before her unfortunate but successful singing career, Jennifer Lopez made quite a mark for herself in the arena of television. Though you may not remember her role as "Maria Lopez" in the unaired 1993 series Hotel Malibu, or her role as "Maria Lopez" in the unaired 1993 series Second Chances (formerly known as Hotel Malibu), she also had a guest shot in the quickly canceled 1994 series South Central (in her breakout role as the "cashier at the co-op").

However! It was her now-famous baking soda biscuits which ultimately got the world's attention; well-displayed in her most famous television portrayal as a "Fly Girl" in the sketch comedy/variety show In Living Color. Aficionados of the show will certainly remember the "Fly Girls" as the hiphop dance troupe who shook their dirty asses to stardom, influencing a generation of high-school cheerleaders and horny post-pubescents. If it's hard for you to recall Jennifer in this show, don't despair. Remember, this was her "pre-eyebrow plucking" days, wherein her very bushy brow not only attempted to circumnavigate her head, but also threatened to travel southward, interrupting her ability to eat soup.

Regardless! Now that Jennifer Lopez is a celebrity triple-threat (actor, singer, and spokesperson for the National Depilatory Society), it is not only her right, but her obligation to serve her public by protecting that precious HAM. And if it takes a billion-dollar insurance policy to do it, then by God, I'm behind her 138%! So this holiday season, when you're showing gratitude for the many gifts you receive, be sure to remember Jennifer Lopez: A celebrity who's doing her duty... to protect that booty.