To those who remembered to buy me an Xmas gift last year—I thank you and am mostly, if not entirely, pleased with your purchase. For those who neglected to procure me a gift—we need to talk. What we have between us is an unspoken agreement. I provide 52 weeks of columns per year, containing at least 37 percent actual useful information, and in return, you provide me with one (or more) of the things from the following list: (1) A paycheck. (2) Some sex. (3) Ham. (4) Booze. (5) Booze-soaked ham. (6) A charitable donation made in my name to me. (7) Pharmaceuticals. (8) A constant stream of compliments. (9) Alibis and/or bail. (10) In absence of the first nine things on this list, GIFTS.
Sooooooo... where's the gift? Usually, by this time in the season, my tree is on the verge of toppling thanks to the ginormous pile of presents sitting gingerly beneath its branches. But as of five minutes ago? There's nothing but a package of tube socks from Grandma—WHO REMEMBERED TO SEND ME SOMETHING EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS THE ALZHEIMER'S!! However. Though my heart has been broken by you a billion times, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume the reason you haven't purchased me a gift is because you have no idea what to get me. Am I right?
LIAR!!! You know exactly what to get me, because I tell you every stinking year! You may purchase me anything off the "As Seen on TV" website (www.asseenontv .com), which features all those amazing inventions/gadgets you see on late-night TV, such as George Foreman Grills, ShamWows, Clappers, anything from Ronco, and the holy grail of As Seen on TV gifts, the Snuggie. (Note to those who bought me a Snuggie last year: Due to frequent and bizarre sexual usage, I need at least 12 more. They come in leopard print now! Rrrowrr.)
Anyway, you can get me practically anything from this site, except for the following products, which might sound perfect for me but are actually evil examples of false advertising! For example:
• Humunga Tongue: As you have probably surmised, having a huge—even humongous—tongue is a necessity in my business. But instead of being an elixir to increase the size of one's tongue, this is some stupid dog toy that's just shaped like a humongous tongue. (Which might do in a pinch—but it lacks a realistic texture.)
• Facial Magic: This is actually an antiwrinkle cream, and not... well, you know. RIP-OFF!!
• Bikini Touch: Basically, this is just a fancy pube trimmer, rather than something that has landed me in jail on more than one occasion.
• RoboMaid: Waitasecond! This is one of those saucer-shaped hovercraft thingies that skim across your floor picking up dust! It is NOT shaped like Angelina Jolie, it is NOT wearing a French maid outfit, and it does NOT cuddle me in its arms, stroke my forehead, and coo softly in my ear, "I'll destroy all your enemies with my built-in flamethrower, right after I stain-guard your Snuggie."
BTW, I really need a new Snuggie. Stat! 
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 17
8:00 NBC SNL PRESENTS: A VERY GILLY CHRISTMAS
Old SNL Xmas skits are paired with new ones starring Kristen Wiig's Gilly (who on average is naughty, not nice).
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
In a very special holiday episode, Pauly and Mikey get drunk, hit on ladies, and get in a bar brawl. Yeah... not so special.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Snowman puts on hat, comes to life. But what if a bloodthirsty gargoyle wore it?
8:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE
Victor's contract expires and he is released back into the world, where hot doll sex is a little harder to come by.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 19
9:00 NBC WWE TRIBUTE TO THE TROOPS
Wrestlers (fake fighters) entertain soldiers (real fighters). Anybody besides me notice the irony?
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by the DA-REAMY James Franco!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 20
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR
Season finale! I swear to god, I didn't know this show was still on!
10:00 BIO SHATNER'S RAW NERVE
William Shatner interviews "Weird Al" Yankovic... who won't stop stepping on his raw nerve!
MONDAY, DECEMBER 21
8:00 NBC THE SING-OFF
A capella groups compete to see who is the most glee-tarded!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22
8:30 FAM WILLY WONKA & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY—Movie
(1971) Forget Johnny Depp and get with the creepiest, funniest Willy Wonka ever, Gene Wilder!
10:00 A&E PARANORMAL STATE
The ghost hunters travel to North Carolina to investigate vulgar outbursts from a 3-year-old. (Well, she is from North Carolina.)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 23
8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
In the Grinch's defense, those Whoville Who's are super-annoying.
10:00 A&E STEVEN SEAGAL: LAWMAN
Steven chases two suspects and is faced with a difficult choice: Whose femur does he snap first?
