A NOTE FROM WM.™ STEVEN HUMPHREY: Remember last week when I said there's nothing good on TV this week, and that I was going on vacation, and that you should enjoy this classic column from the ITelevision™ archives? Ditto.
You know, there's been a lot of YAP, YAP, YAP lately about television's "plummeting morality." Well I say, LET IT FALL. I've had up to here (please imagine a spot just above my "inferior nasal conchae") with uptight naysayers with a chicken leg shoved up their ass telling ME what's proper for children to be watching on television. Let me tell YOU something, Mr. Naysayer Man! I've got somewhere around 27 out-of-wedlock children floating around this country, and though I'm not in contact with any of them, they know they're free to watch whatever they want, whenever they want! (Just don't expect me to pay the cable bill, freeloader. Now, bring Daddy a drink.)
That being said, it's sweeps month over at the Fox network, when they do their damnedest to offend as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time. First it was Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?; then it was Celebrity Boxing. Now it's going to be Out of Control Ferris Wheel, in which the producers pack a mechanically damaged Ferris wheel with blind adults, cancer kids, and adorable kittens.
Okay, that's not true. See, sometimes when I have offensive news to deliver I'll make up an even more offensive lie to lessen the offensiveness of the blow I'm about to deliver. That being said, one of my favorite reality TV shows of all time is coming back for another go-round this week: MAN VS. BEAST II.
"Oh, for the love of sweet Jesus, Humpy!" I hear you cry. "Don't you know that it is morally reprehensible to humiliate animals in such a manner?" Well, my question for you would be: Who's humiliating whom? In the last Man vs. Beast competition, was it not the towering grizzly bear that won the hot-dog eating competition by downing 50 wieners in under two minutes? Was it not the wily orangutan that defeated the sumo wrestler in a tug-of-war match?
"Perhaps you have a point there, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me," I hear you crow. "However! Was it not the Navy SEAL who defeated the chimp in the obstacle course?" Well, I'll give you that one. BUT THAT WAS ONE GODDAMN LAZY MONKEY!
But, whatever! My point is that if there was any humiliating going on, it was the ANIMALS doing it! What about those 50 dwarves who were in a 747-towing match with an elephant? Where are the people screaming, "Hey, you bastard elephant! What did those midgets ever do to YOU??"
So on behalf of all the humans (normal and short) who got their asses handed to them by these furry-coated jerks last year, this time I'm putting my entire paycheck on MAN to win in the annual competition Man vs. Beast II. After the thousands of years of getting bit in the ass by you garbage-eating varmints—IT'S PAYBACK TIME!
Thursday, August 30
10:00 MAD MEN
Pete makes a desperate grab at Don's job in this awesome series set in 1960s Madison Avenue.
Sunday, September 2
7:00 FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL
The Fox network gives us a sneak peek at its new fall schedule... which is pretty much round-the-clock episodes of House.
Monday, September 3
9:00 THE PICK-UP ARTIST
The king of the douchebags shares more of his tips on how to pick up drunken bar sluts. Tip number one: Wear a fuzzy Jamiroquai hat.
Tuesday, September 4
Debut! It's what happens after Cops, in which shirtless criminals get a real taste of the slammer.
Wednesday, September 5
10:00 NASCAR IN PRIMETIME
In this behind-the-scenes peek at NASCAR, ABC examines how hillbillies are hypnotized by cars racing around a track, and are then persuaded to vote for Bush.
11:00 TIM GUNN'S GUIDE TO STYLE
Debut! Project Runway's fashion guru puts his "Queer Eye" on gals with style problems.
God hates a lazy monkey.