Let's talk about your doomed marriage. "Or better yet," you opine, "let's NOT, because you, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me, are really dumb when it comes to committed monogamous relationships." Hmm... apparently you've perused my résumé. Fine, I will concur that when it comes to long-lasting, so-called "healthy" relationships, I've been somewhat less than successful. (At least that's what the last three Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphreys and their lawyers tell me.) HOWEVER! Just because I've been thrice married, and have illegitimate children scattered across the country (as well as South Central Asia), that doesn't mean I'm unqualified to give advice on your doomed marriage. In fact, it makes me EXCEPTIONALLY qualified because... well, let's face it, who knows more about screwing up perfectly good relationships than me?

In fact, I'm so good at screwing up relationships, I want my own TV show where I counsel troubled married people, and point out all the stupid things they're doing wrong. I'd be like Dr. Phil—except not an fat, ugly prick who deserves to be punched in his fat, ugly pricky face.

Anyway, my show would be called Your Doomed Marriage, and I'd listen to nagging wives and castrated hubbies bitch and moan about their stupid insignificant marital woes. Then I'd advise them to get a divorce and I'd sleep with the sexier of the two. HOW COULD A SHOW LIKE THIS LOSE? Of course there are a few new dumb-butt shows debuting this week that think they can actually compete with my super-awesome show, such as:

Tell Me You Love Me (HBO, debuts Sun Sept 9, 9 pm). Think married people don't have sex? Well... okay, they don't. And this show is about that. Three couples complain about their sexless marriages to a sex therapist. But here's the twist: The couples actually go home, have sex, and we get to see it! THANKS, HBO!! (Downside: I'm not in bed with them.)

Decision House (MYNET, debuts Wed Sept 12, 8 pm). Formally entitled Divorce Wars (classy!), the more tediously named Decision House is a reality show where couples on the rocks spill their guts to Judge Lynn Toler (formerly of TV's Divorce Court) and a panel of marital experts and psychologists. Okay, here's what's wrong with this stupid show: (1) I don't need "a panel of experts" to tell me I've been having sex with people other than my wife. We hold this truth to be self-evident. (2) No one throws chairs. And (3) I'm not on the panel to advise them to get divorced and have sex with me.

The Steve Wilkos Show (Syndicated, debuts Mon Sept 10, check local listings for time). Speaking of throwing chairs, you may remember Steve Wilkos as the "director of security" on The Jerry Springer Show. And, apparently, stopping crazy hillbillies from murdering each other on TV equals getting a degree in psychiatry, because on his new talk show, Wilkos will be counseling crazy hillbillies regarding their marital problems. I could do that, too. And here's what I'd say: "First of all, stop screwing your cousin behind the barn. Secondly, which one of you crazy hillbillies wants to sleep with me?" recommended

This Week on Television

Thursday, September 6

9:00 WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO?Nerds in superhero costumes run a gauntlet of attack dogs. Life is so great sometimes.

Sunday, September 9

10:00 CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASMSeason premiere! Tinseltown curmudgeon Larry David is back for another season of insulting women, blacks, and the handicapped. Sorry... handicapable.

Tuesday, September 11


Season premiere! The game show where contestants see who can lose the most weight. Tell you what: Let's just close all the McDonald's and call it a day.

Wednesday, September 12


The reality show that proves college students can be dicks, even in Australia.


Season finale! After a season of screwing around and babynapping, Tommy decides his life may be going in the wrong direction.


Exceptionally qualified to doom your marriage.