Confidential to "You": As of right now, being "you" is no longer good enough. Sure, back in the olden days (anytime before now), it was completely acceptable for "you" to have a single boring personality. However, today's modern society dictates that "you" need a "twist" of some sort to be interesting to the rest of us. Take my phone for example. I rarely, if ever, use it for such pedestrian means as "calling people." However, I do use it for its "twists": shooting video, getting directions, Twittering, storing my complete Debbie Gibson collection in one convenient place, as well as quickly providing satisfying porn.

Speaking of which, excuse me while I go to the restroom.

I'm back. (Told you it was quick.) Where was I? OH YEAH! "Twists!" I also demand that my television shows have a "twist" of some sort. Sitcoms that revolve around a fat father trying to manage his naggy (but hot) wife and smart-mouthed kids? No, thanks! However, if that same fat father had a deep, dark twist—say, training his family to be Al Qaeda suicide bombers—now you're talking my language! (P.S. I do not support terrorism.)

Obviously, you need further examples, and television has provided us with an entire week of new shows filled with twisty-turnys! Such as...

Paranormal Cops (A&E, Tues Jan 19, 10:30 pm). Let's face it: Shows about cops busting criminals are BOOOORING! However, when a gang of actual off-duty Chicago policemen start busting ghosts? Shirtless meth addicts of the afterlife: You're officially on notice!

Human Target (Fox, Sun Jan 17, 8 pm). Another show about a human? SNORE! But wait, here's the twist: This guy is a human target! Christopher Chance is a security guard for hire who promises to get killed—so you don't have to! (And take it from me, getting killed takes a huge chunk out of your day.)

Life Unexpected (CW, Mon Jan 18, 9 pm). While you might think this is your normal "heartwarming family drama," there's a twist! According to the press release, Life Unexpected is a cross between Juno and Gilmore Girls. (For me, that's like a cross between stabbing my eye out with a rusty screwdriver and a metal knitting needle.)

Pit Boss (Animal Planet, Sat Jan 16, 10 pm). Twist 1: Shorty Rossi is a little person. Twist 2: He spent 10 years in prison. Twist 3: He now runs a little-person talent agency as well as, Twist 4, a pit-bull rescue organization staffed by little people. Oh. And Twist 5: He's kind of a dick. HE'S "PIT BOSS!" Okay, so that's a pretty good idea for a show. All it needs is just a few more twists. How about this. Twist 6: Not only does he rescue pit bulls, he coats them with glue and pink cotton balls and then sells them as poodles. Twist 7: When they're not rescuing pit bulls, the little people are standing on each other's shoulders, wearing a long coat, and trying to convince chicks they're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. And Twist 8: Shorty's not really short—HE'S TALL!!

(Didn't see that coming, did ya?) recommended