If you're wondering why I'm walking around like I've got a solid-gold vibrating iPhone in my bottom—it's because THE NEW FALL SHOWS ARE HERE! Yaaaaay! But even though I'm happier than a fat kid eating an ice-cream-covered chili dog, it's important to remember one thing: While there are a poop-ton of good shows debuting in the next few weeks, there are plenty of "boners" (the bad kind of boners) out there as well. Take this week for example!
WATCH: The Bionic Woman (Wed Sept 26, 9 pm, NBC). Based on the campy '70s show of the same name, this Bionic Woman has been given a serious butt-lift by Battlestar Galactica producer David Eick—so expect it to be darker, ass-kickier, and (ooh-la-la!) sex-sex-SEXIER!
DON'T WATCH: Private Practice (Wed Sept 26, 9 pm, ABC). Does Grey's Anatomy make you want to stick a sharpened screwdriver in your eye? ME, TOO. That's why I'm giving this dumbass Grey's spin-off—in which Dr. Addison Montgomery moves from Seattle to California to work in a hoity-toity "doc-in-the-box"—a pass. Plus she looks like a horse, and if I wanted to see horses, I'd visit a farm.
The Bionic Woman doesn't look like a horse, because she's too busy looking hot. Plus it costars BSG's Katee "Starbuck" Sackhoff as a bionic babe gone bad, who also doesn't resemble a horse.
WATCH: Reaper (Tues Sept 25, 9 pm, The CW). While it may not involve hot robots, be sure to check out this funny series about a slacker who is hired by the devil (Twin Peaks' Ray Wise) to capture escaped souls from hell. (By the way, have I mentioned that you should watch The Bionic Woman? The first episode features two hot robot chicks beating the crap out of each other.)
DON'T WATCH: Life (Wed Sept 26, 10 pm, NBC). A police detective is wrongly imprisoned, cleared of the crime, and he rejoins the force where he solves crimes in a Zen-like fashion while eating tons of fruit. Okay, that sounds dumb. And weird. (Unlike a show where a sexy cyborg kicks criminal ass. Maybe she eats fruit... I dunno.)
WATCH: The Bionic Woman... as well as Dirty Sexy Money (Wed Sept 26, 10 pm, ABC). Boy, The Bionic Woman is gonna be great... and so is Dirty Sexy Money, a new nighttime soap that stars Six Feet Under's Peter Krause as a lawyer who inherits a super-rich family embroiled in a plethora of mysterious shenanigans. Expect political intrigue, murder, and the occasional transsexual mistress. (Not a cyborg.)
MAYBE WATCH: Chuck (Mon Sept 24, 8 pm, NBC). When a pant-load of top-secret government info gets downloaded into the brain of computer geek Chuck, he's suddenly thrust into a world of crazy dangerous espionage... which sounds like it could be funny for the first 10 minutes. So if they're smart, they'll spend the first 10 on Chuck, and the remaining 50 minutes checking in on what The Bionic Woman is up to. Have I mentioned you should totally watch that show?
Friday, September 21
10:00 PAINKILLER JANE
Series finale! In the last episode ever, the evil Neuros say "to hell with this," and leave the set to get a milkshake.
Sunday, September 23
8:00 THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! When Homer decides he needs a corporate jet, he enlists help from life coach Stephen Colbert!
Monday, September 24
8:00 DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! A whole new cast of clubfooted B list celebs, including Wayne Newton!
Tuesday, September 25
Season premiere! It's the return of America's favorite gimpy, pill-addicted doctor! Malpractice, schmalpractice.
Wednesday, September 26
9:00 THE BIONIC WOMAN
Debut! A woman is given superhuman strength by her boyfriend doctor, and surprise, she nags him about it!
I think I'll watch The Bionic Woman.