[Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is on vacation this week, so he's reprinting this stupid poem. God, we hate him. -- Editors]

MUCH HAS BEEN SAID of my skilled expertise in the art of poetry, but, truth be told, I'm uncomfortable writing it. Why? Because, as everyone clearly realizes, "poetry" is an art form practiced almost exclusively by either the insane, or by foppish dandies -- of which I ain't neither. However! Sometimes a subject comes along that defies simple prose, an idea so lofty, so unimaginably terrific, that only through the act of poetry can such a thought be described and packaged into a marketable product designed for mass consumption. Such is the case with the godlike star of TV's Magnum, P.I., Tom Selleck, and, more specifically -- his booshy moostache. Enjoy.

If asked if I know what follicles I'd grow

were I to be "King of Panache"

It would sprout out my nose

in hairy little rows

just like Tom Selleck's booshy moostache!

Tom's hair-covered lip, it just makes me flip

and prone to a horny heat rash

It's woolly and thick

like a caterpillar's ****

I adore Selleck's booshy moostache!

Other 'staches I've seen, in the places I've bean

look just like Mike Farrell's from M*A*S*H!

I despise that man's face

It lacks the beauty and grace

of Tom Selleck's booshy moostache!

And what about Prince? Oh, don't make me wince!

His looks like a wimpy eyelash!

It lacks the weight and the girth

of the best fur on earth

known as Tom Selleck's booshy moostache!

O! I'd bash, I'd smash, I'd pay cold, hard cash

I'd gnash succotash and huff hash!

I'd marry white trash

I'd thrash Johnny Cash

for a splash of Tom's booshy moostache!

But I haven't the hair to grace my lip there

and so all my dreams must be dashed

My nose shall never feel

the tickly, prickly appeal... of Tom Selleck's booshy moostache.