SO ANYWAY, I'm down in sunny Mexico for my vacation, right? And let me tell you, those Mexicans have got just a terrific little country (at least they can make a decent taco, unlike the KRAUTS). In fact, as much as I loved the Mexicans, it turned out they were even more "loco in the cabeza" about ME! They even made up a little song they would sing whenever I approached. And it goes a little something like this... (sing it fast!):

"Ai, Yi, Humpy! Gringo numero one!

Ai, Yi, Humpy! Mucho gusto fun! HEY!"

As you can see, they were truly feelin' my Hump-appeal. Fact is, the only thing stopping us from happily spending the rest of our lives together was my inability to speak a goddam word of their language. Okay, that's not true -- I can say, "Dònde està the gin?" and "Mi trasero [ass!] is muy caliente!" but other than that? I don't much habla español... dig?

Luckily for me, there are two international languages -- one being, of course, throwing rocks at breakable objects. Example: There was this great/scary little carnival in our village, where the main attraction (besides decapitating rides) was this creepy game called (loosely translated) "Break Something with Rocks." There was this booth, see, and hanging up in the rear was this huge piece of rusty, corrugated tin, and in front of that was a row of mismatched drinking glasses. Teenagers from town would line up and hurl rocks at the glasses, and when they hit one (emitting a cacophonous CRASH! BAM! TINKLE!) they would win... a can of beer! Oh! The fun my teenage friends and I had, smashing glasses, laughing loudly, and toasting each other's good fortune with warm cans of hooch.

So anyway, that's international language #1. International language #2 is -- como no -- El Televisiòn! As it turned out, my hacienda didn't have a TV, so I was forced to either peep through the window of my neighbor's casa, or (as fate would have it) hang out in seedy bars to get my fix. BUT! As mentioned earlier, Humpy is "gringo numero one," and my hermanos (which I thought for the longest time meant "beans") were thrilled at my vast knowledge of such Yankee shows as Amigos (a.k.a. Friends), Los Expedientes Secretos X (a.k.a. The X-Files), Guardianes de la Bahia (a.k.a. Baywatch), and Buffy, La Caza Vampiros (a.k.a. What do you think?).

Unfortunately, I also had a lot of 'splaining to do regarding "TV reality" and "reality-reality." For example, there's the Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? show. I know you've heard so much about this show it makes you wanna puke, but I will say this... OH-MY-GOD. It's bad enough that our Mexican neighbors think every man in the U.S. is already a millionaire, but imagine trying to explain that there aren't 50 models standing around waiting to marry them? Ai, yi, yi! Talk about your la vida locas!

And how about the dress Jennifer Lopez was almost wearing at the Grammys? I told the guys at the bar that I was once caught wearing something very similar -- and when they all stopped and gave me a hard look, I said "...it was trailing off my foot as I left el baño!" Naturally, gales of laughter rang forth, and the room erupted with...

"Ai, Yi, Humpy! Gringo numero one!

Ai, Yi, Humpy! Mucho gusto fun! HEY!"

Ah, Mexico. Maybe I'll go back.