WHAT'S THE GREATEST THING about writing "America's Most Popular TV Column™"? Well, thank you for asking! Though there are moments when the sweat literally drips from my ass as I cautiously and deliberately choose the succulent, ripened words you savor on this page -- most of the time I just phone it in. And guess what? THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES! "Ring! Ring! Hello? Beloved I Love Television™ Reader? Here's this week's column, and it's all about... THE KRAUTS."

"Oh, NO!" I hear some of my more politically sensitive readers mew. "I HATE IT when Humpy writes about the Krauts. How many mean letters will I have to write before he understands that his aversion to the German peoples is a tacit form of RACISM??" Well, I guess I'll need to see a few more letters, 'cause I hate the fawking Krauts. And it's not just because of their incessant and tedious attempts at world domination, either (though that's really annoying!) -- it's their insistence on dominating everything else, as well!

For example, according to reports, the Kraut-owned company EM.TV, which recently bought the Jim Henson Company, is planning on resurrecting... (hold your breath) The Muppet Show! Now, if you're having trouble remembering the Muppets, this was the syndicated comedy/variety show that ran from '76 to '80, and featured a few former Sesame Street characters (Kermit the Frog, Ralph the dog, etc.) as well as original creations (Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Fozzie Bear, and that really weird scientist puppet with the long face who always said, "Meep! Meep!"). Every week the Muppets welcomed washed-up celebrities like Florence Henderson, Dom DeLuise, or Mummenschanz (another Kraut creation!), who engaged in songs, skits, and other career-ending tomfoolery.

There was also a short-lived resurrection called Muppets Tonight!, which ran in 1996 for nine whopping episodes, but since that show was a load of CRAP, we won't talk about it. However! What we will talk about is how the original Muppet Show was brilliant, and how a new version produced by goose-stepping, Aryan rat bastards can only end in yet another attempt to crush the free world beneath the Krauts' ever-present, hob-nailed boots.

Though the entertainment value of The Muppet Show was, in actuality, rather low (I mean, c'mon! Tony Randall and a bunch of puppets singing "Born to Be Wild"? Please!), at least they knew they kind of sucked, and appropriately made fun of themselves. But when is the last time you heard a Jerry make a decent joke? Their idea of a knee-slapper is invading Poland!

As God as my witness, if we allow the Krauts to take over The Muppet Show, you can expect the following: At first, everything will proceed normally, with whimsical sketches and songs performed by the likes of Kevin Bacon and Cher. Then -- and only then -- will they slowly start infiltrating the show with subtle Kraut propaganda. And before you know it, the special guest star will be Helmut Kohl, and Fozzie Bear and Animal will be wearing brown shirts while goose-stepping around the stage singing "Deutschland Über Alles!"

"Ring! Ring! Hello, Germany? Sure, you can have our Muppets -- when you pry them out of our cold, dead hands!"