I'm boycotting the Oscars, guys!

I know, I know: "Whatever will the Oscars do if Humpy doesn't watch it this year? It'll be ruined!" Nevertheless, I feel like someone needs to take a stand against the Sandra Bullocks of the world. As you may have heard, Sandra Bullock has been nominated for a best actress award for her role in The Blind Side, in which she plays a rich honky who adopts a black kid who eventually turns out to be a successful football player. Rich honkies, whatever would black people do without you?? THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!! (Okay, I'm temporarily shutting down my sarcasm machine, because it's starting to overheat.)

Now I'm sorry, but I just cannot believe in or support any award system that would consider giving anything to Sandra Bullock—unless we're talking about a case of the clap. "Jesus Christ... okay. Fine. Humpy, why don't you tell us why you have such a problem with Sandra Bullock." Thank you, I will do just that!

First of all, Sandra Bullock has a mustache. (Ouch. Maybe I shouldn't have led off with that... but it's true.) Speed is one of my favorite movies, and yet? I totally get grossed out watching Keanu Reeves French-kiss that big booshy mustache! IT'S GROSS, GUYS. Secondly, Sandra Bullock has made no less than THREE guest appearances on the George Lopez show—in this century!! (Though I could easily rest my case right here, I shall continue.) Thirdly, she is in 7 out of 10 of all romantic comedies Hollywood produces—which means if I want to score some 'tang, I have to sit through at least seven of her steaming piles of rom-com crap a year! GOD! (And then, when I'm having sex, all I can think about is her booshy mustache!) BLECH!! GROSS!! GOD!!

So yeah, I don't like Sandra Bullock. And if the Oscars thinks giving her a nomination is more important than me sitting on the couch in stained Underoos eating a bowl of M&Ms and Cheetos while watching the ceremony—well, then... okay! I'll just watch something else this week that is so much more awesome! Such as!

• Saturday Night Live (NBC, Sat March 6, 11:30 pm): You know who's hosting this week? Zach Mothereffing Galifianakis (only one of my favorite comedians in the world)! I love him in The Hangover, I love him in the web series Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, and I love it that his beard and mustache aren't as pronounced as Sandra Bullock's.

• High Society (CW, Wed March 10, 9:30 pm): Yay! Another reality show about rich white honkies. Except instead of adopting black kids and turning them into football players, these wealthy whities spend all their time squirting booze into their mouths and coke up their snoots. (Which pursuit is more admirable? You be the judge.)

• Miss Turkey Trot Pageant (TLC, Tues March 9, 10 pm): A behind-the-scenes look at the actual Miss Turkey Trot Pageant held annually in Yellville, Arkansas. Expect small-town rivalries, hilarious hillbilly-isms, and the best-looking women Yellville has to offer. I'd say it wasn't anything like Sandra Bullock's Miss Congeniality, but there are probably mustaches in this one, too.