AH, MEN. As you probably know, men can be thoughtful, loving, loyal, and handsome creatures, with just the deepest blue eyes, and bulging veiny muscles -- which, when flexed on a warm, sunny beach, can make one scream, "YES, Big Daddy! Spank my little bottom RED!" However, we can also be big, drippy dicks who refuse to pay for dinner, are resistant to bathing, and start long, drawn-out wars which can never be won -- AND I HATE THAT!!

Like this one time? There was this war in a place called Vietnam? And it was totally started by a bunch of old, horny men who were mad because they no longer had bulging veiny muscles or the deepest blue eyes, and decided the only way to secure some booty was to bomb Hanoi. Anyway, to make a long story short, the war lasted for YEARS, and when it was over? Nobody won, and nobody got any booty! In fact, the only thing America got was a bunch of dirty, stinking hippies, who are to this day so stoned on pot, they have no idea the war is even over!

Hmmm... you know, I was originally out to make a very important point... OH, YEAH! Men can be real dicks! And this week is practically blooming with dicks -- of the TV variety! For example, we're all thrilled to death about the upcoming VH1 special, Divas Live! 2000, right? (Yaawwwwnnn!) Well, at least the misogynists in the crowd will be happy to note there's gonna be a competing "men-only" show entitled (unfortunately enough) Men Strike Back. Don't tune in expecting Mariah Carey to get bitch-slapped, though! This singing and dancing extravaganza (also airing on VH1, Tuesday, April 18, 9:00 p.m.) will feature such testosterone-filled bags of wind as Sting, Tom Jones, D'Angelo, and Enrique Iglesias. Also along for the ride will be the Backstreet Boys -- who, if you ask me, would probably be better suited for Divas Live!, especially since the amount of estrogen they produce is probably triple that of the entire WNBA. Hey! I'm just sayin'!

In other Man Trouble!™ news, failed TV actor (i.e. any actor who lowers himself to work in the movies) Woody Harrelson is in trouble -- again. Apparently, the former Cheers stoner intentionally grew some marijuana, just so he could get arrested and take his now tiresome "Dude! That's not pot! It's hemp!" argument to the Supreme Court. (Note to all fawking potheads: When you guys can develop a line of hemp clothing that doesn't look like a pile of dirty potato sacks, I'll yell "Hurrah for Hemp!" Until then, you'd get a lot farther if you didn't pick spokesmen who look like they just tumbled out of a van in a Cheech & Chong movie.) Anyway, the bong-huffing ding-dong lost.

Whoops! You know, I was going to talk about how Jeopardy!'s Alex Trebek is being sued for allegedly crushing an airport security person's hand with some carry-on luggage. However, once again I'm out of space, having wasted an entire column bitching about potheads and writing thinly veiled homoerotica about the Backstreet Boys. My point, nonetheless, is this: In the business of making trouble, men continue to be the CEOs. And until we learn to behave with a modicum of maturity, people will continue to only see our bulging, veiny muscles and our deep, deep blue eyes, and our... oooh! Spank me RED, Big Boss Daddy! Spank me RED!!