ABC: A BROADCASTING COMPANY with a rich, proud history, yes, but also known for producing television shows that resemble big runny poops from the bungy of a syphilitic donkey. Now that I've ruined everyone's breakfast for a week, I shall elucidate. ABC television recently released their new schedule for the upcoming fall season, and may I say, the executives who make such decisions should be incarcerated for egregious crimes against humanity. Instead of dumping all the dead weight from last year's schedule (i.e. Spin City, Two Guys and a Girl, and the vomitous Whose Line Is It Anyway?), they're canceling their finest show, Sports Night (WAAAAHHHHHH!!), and putting on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?--brace yourself--SIX NIGHTS A WEEK!

Oh, sure! That's a great choice! Now why don't they slit my eyeballs with a razor blade and stuff me face-first into a toilet filled with acid? Don't get me wrong! I have an ooey-gooey soft spot for Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? because: (A) it stars Regis Philbin, the only person in the world who complains more than me. (B) It's heeee-larious to see all those dorky egghead Mensa members who think they're so goddamn smart fall flat on their four-eyed faces. And finally, (C) it presents yet another opportunity to demonstrate my own smartness in front of friends and loved ones by screaming out the answer before the question is even finished, and then rolling my eyes about how eeeeasy it was.

However! Does this mean I want to see the show SIX TIMES A FAWKING WEEK? No, it does NOT!! I don't even want to see myself six times a week! What I want is a little variety in my TV viewing, which is why, if they're going to torture me day after day, they could at least change things around a little.

Example! They can show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? three nights a week. I have no problem with that. On the other nights, however, they should use the same set, host, and contestants, but change the name of the show to something a little more interesting... like Who Wants to Be an Alcoholic?

It would be great! The contestants would actually play for liquor! So instead of receiving additional money after every question, the contestant would get a shot of booze for a correct answer! First they'd guzzle a Mickey's Big Mouth, then a gin and tonic, then a double vodka martini, and on and on, until they either win a case of Barcardi 151 or perish from a liver hemorrhage.

Another version might be called Who Wants to Get Rid of Those Voices in Your Head That Keep Saying, "Kill Mommy! Kill Mommy! Kill Mommy!"? You can just imagine what fun that would be! Or here's my personal favorite: Who Wants to Take a Shower with Actor Patrick Swayze? Though it may be hard to concentrate while the dreamy Patrick Swayze sponges your back with warm, soapy water, at least he will be able to help with the more difficult questions by whispering answers breathily into your ear. "The answer is D, my love. Mesopotamia," he'll say with that sexy, swarthy voice. "Now, would you like me to continue rubbing those tired, sore muscles while my hardened nipples tease your back with erotic pleasure? Yes? Is that your final answer?"

Yes... YES... YES!!! Eeep! Uh... so anyway... those are my ideas, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have some cleaning up to do.

I'm "cwazy" for Patrick Swayze! steve@thestranger.com.