As predicted last week, my underpants are full of crap. There are SO many TV season finales this coming week, and I'm SO overwhelmed, I've lapsed into a semicomatose state, wherein all of my bodily functions have shut down—except for life support and the ability to type this stupid column (which doesn't require significant brain power anyway). But as it turns out, there are upsides to shutting down all systems except for life support. Example: There's sincerely nothing you can do about it when your significant other is nagging you to wash a dish. The downsides of shutting down all systems: People use Sharpies to draw rude words and pictures on your face. GUYS! I'M NOT DRUNK OR ASLEEP! I CAN SEE YOU!
Another downside? Underpants full of crap. So there's that.
Anyhoo! I've decided to just lie here in my shut-down state for the entire week and let all this TV just wash over me—sort of like the time I passed out at the mouth of that sewage pipe down by the river. Here are just a few of the shows I'll be forced to watch.
American Idol (Fox, Wed May 26, 8 pm): Even though this has been the most boring season of Idol EVER—where were the Sanjayas? Where were the William Hungs?—I will be watching this. Because like I said, I can't move. At least the smell of my feces will temporarily mask the smell of their mediocrity. (Burrrrrrrn.)
Lost (ABC, Sun May 23, 7 pm–1 am): YES. You read that time correctly: 7 pm–1 am! ABC is blowing out its entire Sunday-night schedule for SIX freaking hours of Lost and Lost-related specials! First up, Lost: The Final Journey, which is basically a two-hour recap of everything you've missed up until this point. (If you're asking yourself, "If it takes that long to explain this show, why bother?" I will not argue with you.) Then, at 9 pm it's the two-part 150-minute series finale of Lost—which will finally perfectly explain EVERYTHING to your complete and utter satisfaction. (SLAM! Zooooooommm!) That was the sound of the Lost writers running out the door, jumping on a plane, and flying to a South American rain forest to hide for the next six months. And then following that at 12:05 am, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live: Aloha to Lost in which the cast members reunite to discuss the show, and the contents of our stomachs empty out onto the rug, BECAUSE WE JUST CAN'T FREAKING TAKE ANYMORE!!! (Can someone roll me over on my side, so I don't choke on my vomit? Thanks.)
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Tues May 25, 9 pm): Actually, I have no intention of watching this dreadful two-hour (!!) finale—especially when a normal, not-even-a-season-finale episode of Glee is on at the same time. I would much rather watch young nubile actors, instead of old washed-up soap-opera stars hopping around and showing off their baloney nipples. So if you wouldn't mind, please change the channel. Umm... seriously, guys. Change the channel. What are you... hey! HEY! STOP DRAWING A PENIS ON MY FACE!!