I SWEAR TO CHRIST, there are two phrases in this world that if I hear one more time, I'm going to stroke out. One of them is "The proof is in the pudding." I HATE that fawking phrase! You only ever hear it from the mouth of some hyper-intellectual doorknob who's trying to bring you DOWN. And what does it even mean?!? That your pudding is delicious, and mine tastes like crap? Look, pal! You've never even tasted my pudding, but if you ever did? My pudding would make you cream... your... jeans!

Another phrase I detest is "I've got some good news... and I've got some bad news.... Whaddaya want first?" You wanna know what I want first? I want to stick my feet up your ass: first the good foot, and then the bad foot. And what's even worse is when someone asks if you want the good news or the bad news, and then there's no good news! And when you ask them why, they say, "I just figured you wouldn't get so mad if I said there was some good news." What the FAWK?!? Look, I expect bad news! What I don't expect is bad news becoming worse news because some "good news, bad news" jackass lied to me about there being good news!

Anyway! The only reason I bring this up is because this week in the world of television, we have a definite "good news, bad news" scenario. And though I will present the following items in a "good news, bad news" format, I am doing it as a form of PROTEST. Get it? Got it? Good.

The Good News: Patrick Swayze was NOT killed in a plane crash. Patrick, (the star of the greatest film ever made, Road House) was forced into an emergency landing on a deserted street in central Arizona recently. Thankfully, not a single brawny muscle on his body was injured. And whether you agree or not, that's GOOD news!

The Bad News: Alan Alda is snooping around for the opportunity to star in a new television show. Alda, who stunk up the airwaves with his 11 fawking years as Hawkeye on M*A*S*H and five excruciating episodes of E.R., has put the word out that he's available to star in a new TV show "if it is well written." Hey, Stinkhole! You wanna help out? Then stay away from the tube and occasionally empty your colostomy bag!

The Good News: Starting July 23, there's a new comedy debuting on the USA network with the greatest title ever--Kill! Kill! Kill! It's about a retired CIA agent who is forced to battle his archenemy every week. But! At the end of each show, the agent is killed and then reanimated to fight all over again in the next episode! (Which sounds suspiciously like my relationship with my ex-wife.)

The Bad News: Nielsen Media Research (you know, the TV ratings idiots) have come up with a new way of gauging what people are watching. Some Nielsen families will be wearing high-tech pagers, which pick up what you're watching no matter where you are! Not only is this an unbelievable infringement of privacy, but now they're gonna know all about my secret infatuation with Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.! AND THAT AIN'T GOOD!

The proof is in my pudding. steve@thestranger.com