THOUGH ONE MAY find it shocking, there are certain people in this world who consider me to be "evil incarnate." They take one look at me and say, "Hey, now there's a guy who would most certainly thump lit cigarettes at a passing kitten, tell children their parents are putting them up for adoption, and spit in an elderly person's Metamucil." Fine. They can go ahead and think that, but I have only one thing to say: Metamucil already looks and tastes like spit, so what's the big whoop? My point is this: Evil is just as necessary in our society as those goody two shoes who donate cans of food to the library. Take Star Wars for instance. Waitasecond--don't take Star Wars, because that's a movie only drooling, four-eyed fucknuts like to watch. Instead, take Road House (1989)--the greatest fawking movie ever made. The delectable Patrick Swayze stars as a philosopher/bouncer who is called in to clean up the dirtiest saloon in town (primarily by kicking all the bad guys right in the esophagus). However! When you have such a stalwart force for good like Patrick Swayze, the universe gets seriously shit-out-of-balance if you don't have an equally powerful force for evil. In this case it's the local organized crime boss Ben Gazzara (booooo!), who burns down old man Webster's barn, and runs over his rival's store with a monster truck! (See, I told ya it was brilliant.)

Would Road House be the great cinematic marvel it is without this lurking, unredeemable force of evil? Hellllll, NO! It would be some ri-goddam-diculous piece of crap like those stoopid Jane Austen books. HOWEVER (again)! Like washing down three boxes of Pixie Stix with a Mountain Dew, too much evil is not necessarily a good thing. Example: The Real World--New Orleans (Wednesdays, 10:00 p.m., MTV). One of the past joys of The Real World--in which seven twentynothings are chosen to live together and be videotaped for our voyeuristic pleasure--has been the selection of the cast members. MTV goes out of their way to choose America's finest young assholes, put them in a house together, and let us watch as they tear each other apart. Now, that's EVIL. And FUN. But I had no idea of the depths of MTV's evil nature until I saw the New Orleans cast.

These kids may be stupid, sure, but they're all so... so NICE. There's a gay guy--he's nice. There's a blond girl--she's bossy, but nice. There's a black guy--with big, throbbing tight muscles. And he's nice. But there's also a Mormon--and she is so-oh-oh NICEY-NICE-NICE, she is going to be eaten alive. I mean, she's already singing folk songs and bursting into tears, saying she feels cheated that she wasn't born black! You know that scene in Road House where Patrick Swayze is tempted to succumb to his dark side? This is the exact same predicament, except that since there are no assholes in the house, there's no one to slap some sense into the Mormon, and she will most certainly be swept into a life of sin, and ultimately, cast into the fires of HELL! Another life ruined by MTV!

That is just wrong! I may have gone out of my way to ruin a few Catholic girls' (and boys'!) lives, but never, NEVER a Mormon! That is just too EVIL. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to prepare my grandpa's Metamucil.

Road House rules, Real World sux.