Logic dictates that there are certain things you should never trust a 98-year-old man to do: (1) Be left alone with your girlfriend. I'm telling you, at that age, he has nothing to lose. (2) Operate heavy machinery—and remember, anything larger than a roller skate is heavy to a 98-year-old. (3) Keep you in his will. Especially if your girlfriend—or a stripper—is around. (4) ... OH, LET'S STOP PLAYING GAMES, SHALL WE? Ninety-eight-year-old men cannot be trusted under any circumstances. A 98-year-old will poison you with antifreeze, then look a judge straight in the eye and say, "What are ya gonna do? Sentence me to LIFE??" They'll poop on your floor, gum all your oatmeal, and never ever die, even after a direct nuclear attack. (Ninety-eight-year-old men are like cockroaches in that way.)

As you may have gathered, I'm not a big fan of 98-year-old men. HOWEVER! I was completely shocked (and a little put off, frankly) by the news that a 98-year-old man recently had a pretty good idea! Normally, a good idea for a 98-year-old is "Can you please lift my head out of my bowl of Metamucil? I seem to be drowning." But this idea? This idea can benefit EVERYONE!

So as you know, there's a writers' strike going on, which I was fully supporting... until I realized the writers weren't going to do any writing. So instead of new episodes of The Office and 30 Rock, for the foreseeable future we can expect a crap ton of repeats and poopified reality shows. HOWEVER! Weirdly enough, a 98-year-old former TV director has come up with a fairly brilliant idea: Take old television shows and reshoot them with a new cast! See, as it turns out, this 98-year-old is Richard L. Bare, a veteran TV director who helmed all 168 episodes of the classic 1960s sitcom Green Acres. For those who don't recall, Green Acres was freaking FUNNY! It was all about this fancy-pants city lawyer with a stick up his ass and his spoiled socialite wife who move to a dilapidated farm in Hooterville and coexist with hillbillies. Naturally, anything involving a hillbilly is a surefire recipe for hilarity—and these hillbillies were either supersmart, superdevious, or superdumb, which caused no end of trouble for the highfalutin city slicker. Oh, and there was also a pig who watched TV. (Talk about social satire!)

Anyhoo, to prove I'm at least as smart as a 98-year-old, I would take Bare's idea and do it one better—by reshooting the original scripts, word-for-word, on the original sets, with original TV equipment! So then, the only difference would be the actors... and that's where the real fun starts! For example, one could reshoot an entire episode of Green Acres using only cast members from the '80s Brat Pack flick St. Elmo's Fire—with Andrew McCarthy as Mr. Douglas, Demi Moore as Lisa Douglas, Judd Nelson as the farmhand Eb, Rob Lowe as Mr. Ziffel, and Mare Winningham as the pig! OMIGOD, this idea is so freaking awesome, I'm peeing all over myself. (Wait... does that make me a 98-year-old man?) recommended

This Week on Television

Thursday, November 29

8:30 30 ROCK

Jack takes an interest in a Little League team. An unholy interest.

Sunday, December 2

10:00 LAST LAUGH '07

Laugh (or wince, if you prefer) at the worst of 2007 with host Lewis Black.

Monday, December 3


The last new episode for a while thanks to the writers' strike. (Cue up those episodes of Green Acres!)

Tuesday, December 4


Season finale! Voters decide which beauty is most brainy and which geek is least geeky.

Wednesday, December 5


The models travel to Beijing, China, where they immediately violate several international treaties.


The designers are assigned to a "fashion faux pas" challenge. Umm... where do I sign up?