GUYS! I must confess I'm purrrrr-ty disappointed in the creators of Mad Men right now. Not that I dislike the show... in fact, the boner alert in my pants reached orange (the most boner-ific color) after learning the season premiere of Mad Men debuts this week (AMC, Sun July 25, 10 pm).

So why am I so disappointed in Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner? Because for reasons too mind-boggling to comprehend, Weiner has REJECTED my script for a season- four episode! I KNOW, RIGHT?

Lucky for the world, I have a TV column where I can reprint a small taste of my brilliant script.

Daytime. Interior: a mid-'60s Manhattan office building. Don Draper enters, reading a newspaper.

Don: [Reading aloud.] "Beatles to Play Shea Stadium"? BULL-PLOP! I predict these Beatles will eventually be known as the most overrated musical group of all time!

A knock on the door; it is totally hot secretary Joan.

Joan: May I come in?

Don: You may come in... my pants! HA! I am truly rakish and handsome. LET'S MAKE LOVE.

Joan: I can't resist your charms. Yes, let's bone.

Suddenly, a twinkly beam of light appears from the ceiling. It is Captain Kirk from Star Trek.

Captain Kirk: Not if I bone you first, Joan!

Don: WHAT?? This is bull-plop. You can't be here, you're on Star Trek.

Captain Kirk: It's called a "crossover," dick lip. Ever heard of it?

Don: But... but... your show doesn't even debut until 1966!

Captain Kirk: It's called "time travel," shit bird. Ever heard of it?

Don: Whatever! I'm Don Mother-effing Draper! I get to bone Joan first!

Don and Captain Kirk engage in a shirtless battle to the death. Kirk eventually triumphs, decapitating Don. Kirk then beams Joan up to the Enterprise, where they bone multiple times... occasionally including Spock.


(Matthew Weiner? I patiently await your apology.) recommended