FRIENDS, I AM HAPPIER THAN A STINKING hippie swimming in a vat of patchouli, because I have been fawking VINDICATED! As I'm sure you recall, two weeks ago I wrote an ass-stinging editorial about Jerry Falwell's views on The Teletubbies--not that I disagreed with him, because as we all know Tinky Winky is as queer as... as... well, as somebody who's really, really queer! But what really chewed my juicy fruit was the fact that Falwell--while giving props to Time, The Washington Post, and People--failed to mention the person who practically broke the story about Tinky Winky in the states: a.k.a. Yours Fawking Truly!

And boy! Did I let that fat-ass have it! So nobody's surprised that victory is now mine--you see, in this month's edition of Falwell's National Liberty Journal, your favorite Humpy is actually quoted as one of the original persons who "outed" Tinky Winky! Imagine! Me, of all people, being quoted in a hysterical right-wing Christian conservative house organ! It's like a beautiful dream!! Anyway, you can read it for yourself at, in a hilariously inflammatory and slightly dirty-sounding article called "Tinky Winky is Just the Tip of the Iceberg!" But what I really liked about the story is how the writer sounds sooooo GAY!

Anywhoop, I'm sure you're wondering how I went about getting the Rev. Jerry Falwell--one of the most powerful conservative leaders in this country--to bend over and kiss Humpy's sweet and succulent honey-baked ham. Well, it was easy. I threatened to go Judge Judy on his ass!

That's right! I sent him a little "love" note in which I said, "Look, you sanctimonious TUB OF PUKE! Unless you start giving the Hump his props, and admit to the world that I was the one who gave you the idea to call Tinky Winky a little purple homo, then I will be FORCED to take this matter to the highest court in the land--Judge Fawkin' Judy!" Well, naturally that made him drop a load of diaper gravy, because anyone who knows Judge Judy knows you don't fawk with fawkin' Judge Judy!

And for those who don't know Judge Judy... well, she's got about the most popular show on daytime TV right now! It works like this: Unsuspecting trailer trash bring their pissy-pants court cases to her, and just like on the classic People's Court, Judge Judy Sheindlin metes out her own entertaining, and sometimes hilariously unfair, brand of justice. She's best known for her grating voice, which sounds like someone tossed a chainsaw down a garbage disposal, as well as her surrealistic catchphrases, like "Don't pee on my leg, and tell me it's raining!" and (my personal favorite) "I'm the boss, applesauce!" When Judge Judy catches someone in a lie (which happens in practically every episode) she spends the rest of the show berating the liar until the offending person, with tears streaming down their face, falls to their knees, begging to be quickly killed by a merciful God. And that, my friends, is what I call entertainment.

Newbies can catch Judge Judy weekdays on channel 13 at 5:00 p.m., and those who are already fans of the show probably realize why Rev. Smuggy McPoopypants caved in to my demands so quickly, and smartly settled "out of court." As Dr. Falwell's favorite comic book, the Holy Bible, likes to say, "Judge not lest ye be judged"--and while Falwell figures God to be the ultimate judge in heaven, the good reverend is still hauling his fat ass around with the rest of us "Don't pee on my leg and... well, just don't pee on my leg." steve@thestranger.comon planet earth. And down here, Judge Judy is the boss... applesauce!