Look... I get it. I'm a difficult person to buy for. That's why every holiday season I publish a comprehensive list of gift ideas that you can easily purchase and slip under my tree. Now in the past, this list has comprised things one could find on network websites (such as an Office Dunder Mifflin terry-cloth robe, or a Reno 911! female deputy costume) or on eBay (Jennifer Garner's underpants! Smallville's Tom Welling's used gym towel!).
However! This year I realized it might be time to "grow up a little" and request items I actually NEED rather than WANT. For example, do I really need those America's Next Top Model boy briefs (www.cbsstore.com)? Am I going to die if I don't receive an "If You Woke Up This Morning It's Because Jack Bauer Spared Your Life" T-shirt (www.foxshop.seenon.com)? Will I not get as dry (or high) if I don't own a South Park Towelie bath towel (www.shop.comedycentral.com)? Life may eventually become too incredibly torturous to continue—but in the meantime, I suppose I'd survive... somehow.
That's why I'm going to show a little "maturity" this year and only suggest gifts that actually have a legitimate "purpose." And lucky me, I found them all in one great place: the As Seen on TV website (www.asseenontv.com)!! You've seen the commercials, right? As Seen on TV specializes in wildly necessary products such as Topsy Tail, the George Foreman Grill, Girls Gone Wild Vols. 1–67 Billion, and the famous Ginsu knives (which have accidentally removed more fingers than firecrackers and the Yakuza combined!). Well! As it turns out, this site sells HUNDREDS of similarly amazing products, and if you really want to make Humpy say "ho, ho, ho" this Xmas, it would behoove you to buy me something from their site! For example...
• URINE GONE! (Only $19.95). This As Seen on TV classic purportedly "attacks urine and other odor-causing matter." I really need this stuff. What's this? Oh, you can use it for dog and cat pee, too.
• 6 SECOND ABS (Only $55.95). You're freaking kidding me, right? Look, I don't have time to exercise more than 10 seconds a day. Even seven seconds really cuts into my eating/drinking/taking drugs/watching TV time. But six seconds? Mmm... sure. I guess I can do that.
• THE BUTTER BUTLER (Only $14.95). "Is your butter so hard to spread it destroys your bread? Are you sick of messy, disgusting butter trays?" YES, GODDAMMIT! YES! That's why I desperately need a butter-pumping dispenser that will tidily cover every inch of my corn on the cob, toast, and lover's hindquarters. Thanks, Butter Butler!
• HUMUNGA TONGUE™ (Only $12.95). Oh. I thought this was a product that could naturally and safely increase the length and thickness of my tongue. Turns out it's a dog toy that just looks like a huge tongue. Well... get it for me anyway. I'm sure I'll find some use for it!
• DRYER BALLS (Only $9.95). Again, I thought this could help me with a minor problem—but it's some kind of fabric softener. So... never mind.
Thursday, December 20
9:30 30 ROCK
Jack learns a very important lesson he will never forget: "NO ONE SCREWS JERRY SEINFELD."
Friday, December 21
8:00 MARY POPPINS—Movie
(1964) In order to control two naughty children, a British nanny turns to the occult.
Monday, December 24
8:00 DR. SEUSS'S HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
A cranky green monster becomes nice after developing elephantiasis of the heart.
8:00 A CHRISTMAS STORY—Movie
(1983) 24 hours straight of this Xmas classic in which Ralphie shoots his eye out with a BB gun.
Tuesday, December 25
9:00 am WALT DISNEY WORLD CHRISTMAS DAY PARADE
Mickey and friends parade around Disney World with that tramp Jessica Simpson, and... Menudo?! YES!!
Wednesday, December 26
9:00 AMERICAN MASTERS
A profile of the hilariously brilliant Bob Newhart.
9:00 GOSSIP GIRL
Blair discovers a scandalous secret about Serena—but I'm sure blackmail is totally out of the question.
Wanted: dryer balls.