Generally speaking, when I tell you to do something—you should do it. HOWEVER! If I tell you to do something, and I appear to be wildly intoxicated, mostly naked, and have something that may or may not be feces smeared on my face? You probably shouldn't do it. Of course, you have no way of knowing if I'm currently wildly intoxicated, nearly nude, and have a poopylike substance on my face or not—so I guess you'll just have to trust me. What follows are some things you WILL watch on TV this week, and some things you WON'T watch. C'mon. Trust me.
WILL WATCH: Sharktopus (SYFY, Sat Sept 25, 9 pm). Or, as it's also known, "MOTHEREFFING SHARKTOPUS, MOTHEREFFERS, YEAAAAHHHH!!" Cult filmmaker Roger Corman brings this hilariously horrible flick that stars Eric Roberts (YEAAAAHHH!!) as an evil genius who genetically creates "the navy's next superweapon": a killer shark crossed with a gropey octopus! (YEAAAAHHH!!) Dear "Science"—can you please come up with more of these genetic abominations? Like maybe a shark crossed with a billy goat? Or an octopus crossed with a wiener dog? (Weinerdoctopus!)
WILL WATCH: Eastbound & Down (HBO, Sun Sept 26, 10:30 pm). Danny McBride stars in this flat-out funny series about disgraced pro baseball player Kenny Powers, who returns home to plot his comeback. At the end of season one, Kenny is rejected by the major league, dumps the love of his life at a gas station, and flees to Mexico in humiliation. At the start of season two, Kenny learns that Mexico is AWESOME (especially if you're a moderately talented baseball player who enjoys cheap sex, food, and drugs). Is that racist? YOU'RE RACIST!
WILL WATCH: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, Thurs Sept 23). Normally, I'd rather gargle rusty razor blades coated with the semen of a syphilitic donkey than watch CSI. But not this week, because JUSTIN BIEBER is the guest star!! EEEEEEEE!!! JUSTINBIEBERJUSTINBIEBERJUSTINBIEBER!!!!! (What's Justin Bieber doing on CSI? I have no idea, because I'm too busy screaming to find out! JUSTIN BIEBER!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!)
Now let's move on to what you...
WON'T WATCH: Bleep My Dad Says (CBS, Thurs Sept 23, 8:30 pm). This new shitcom is based on the once-popular internet site Shit My Dad Says, which features the authentically hilarious quotes of a grumpy old dad. Unsurprisingly, the humor doesn't translate, and even star William Shatner can't save this shit heap. There's only one thing from the internet I want to see on my TV, and it's called "FREE PORN."
WON'T WATCH: Outsourced (NBC, Thurs Sept 23, 9:30 pm). After his office is outsourced to India, a honky manager is hired to "Americanize" the native workers. Racism, desperately unfunny jokes, and the urge to swing a pickax at your TV screen ensue. You may like it, though... since YOU'RE RACIST!!
WON'T WATCH: Law & Order: Los Angeles (NBC, Wed Sept 29, 10 pm). Just like the other 49 creatively bereft incarnations of Law & Order—except this one doesn't guest star Justin Bieber. (But if you genetically cross Justin with a wiener dog and a killer octopus? NOW you've got a show! "EEEEE!!! It's Wienerbieboctopus!" 
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
8:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Season premiere! Jack sticks his big nose right in the middle of Liz's beautiful relationship with Matt Damon!
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Season premiere! Michael hires a new assistant who somehow emerges to be the biggest jerk in the office.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Season premiere! The ghost of Jonathan Kent returns with a message for Clark: "You should've been canceled two seasons ago! Woooooooooo!!!"
10:00 CBS BLUE BLOODS
Debut! Tom Selleck (and his booshy moostache™) returns to TV in this drama about a family of cops.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
9:00 SYFY SHARKTOPUS—Movie
(2010) Motherfreaking Sharktopus, mothereffers! YEAAAAHHHH!!!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season premiere! Hosted by the adorable Amy Poehler with the somewhat less adorable musical guest Katy Perry.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! Lisa goes to summer performance camp with the cast of Glee and... Flight of the Conchords??
10:00 TLC SISTER WIVES
Debut! A new reality show about a Utah man with three (going on four) wives. BUT DON'T CALL THEM POLYGAMISTS!
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
10:00 CBS HAWAII FIVE-0
A cyberterrorism expert is kidnapped, and the Five-0 team must use its special "sexy" powers to rescue him.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 FOX GLEE
Will doesn't want the kids to do a Britney Spears routine, but guest star Britney Spears might have something to say about that!
8:00 ABC NO ORDINARY FAMILY
Debut! Michael "The Shield" Chiklis stars in this comedy/drama about a family of superheroes. That's Incredibles!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 NBC UNDERCOVERS
Sexy Steven and Samantha get sexy to rescue a nonsexy scientist. (These guys should have a "sexy-off" with Hawaii Five-0!)
10:00 FX TERRIERS
A rich dude hires Hank and Britt to break into his office and steal $250,000. Why does this make me suspicious?
