IT IS A WELL-KNOWN FACT that I consider the so-called "art" of poetry to be the delirious ravings of bipolar nerds and lonely spinster librarians. However! It doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing it myself. The way I see it, there is both a time and place for poetic license, and poetry is ruined by those inclined to whip out their license at the drop of a hat. One must remember there are only a few subjects in the world worthy of poetic odes: one is cheese, another is Tom Selleck's booshy moostache, and the other is what I am writing about today--TV's hunkiest beefcakes.

Now, in the past, many famous poets have slit their wrists after reading my remarkable work. I would like to further encourage this practice, as the world will have no more use for these failures after reading the mind-blowing words I choose to impart upon the page. In other words, "Eat my ass, you bipolar, bargain-basement Jonathan Livingston Seagulls!"

ODE TO TV'S HUNKIEST BEEFCAKES
by Wm.™ Steven Hump-me

TV, TV--next to my wall,
Who is the hunkiest beefcake of all?
Who has the eyes that burrow my soul,
Or muscles that make me lose motor control?

TV, TV--can you please tell,
The name of the meatloaf I think is so swell!
Who has the voice so sweet and so deep,
And a booty so tight, it makes me scream "peep!"

TV, TV--please give me a clue,
Or would it might help if I mentioned a few?
Well, there's David Boreanaz who's an Angel for sure,
He's a Hunky McHottie and luscious du jour!

TV, TV--I have another in mind,
He's handsome and dreamy, and a beefcake divine!
He's Casper Van Dien, and for the record I'll state
On Titans, he speeds up my metabolic rate!

TV, TV--know who makes me sick?
It's that waterhead jerkoff from Dawson's Crick!
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him each week,
What's his name? Oh yeah! James Van Der Beek!

TV, TV--what is that smell?
It's Robert Downey Jr., and he's just out of jail!
They gave him a job on Ally McBeal
But a washed-up junkie can't make me squeal!

TV, TV--I'm getting off task!
Who is the hunkiest, I must again ask?
On Dark Angel there's Logan, who's packed nice and tight
And makes my pants look like a rocket launch site!

TV, TV--next to my wall,
Speak to me please, and answer my call!
If you cannot tell who the hottest might be
The hunkiest beefcake has got to be... ME!