However! On one level, it's completely understandable why fans are boo-hooing: in this age of alienation and isolation, Melrose serves as one of the last true communal experiences. Where else can you find friends huddled around the television moaning and slapping their foreheads in unison? And now, with only seven episodes left, we are about to lose a valuable excuse for loved ones to come together--and this is the true shame. But hang on, Grumpy Gus and Gloomy Gertie, and turn those frowns upside-down! I've compiled a list of a shows which could very well replace Melrose Place as a reason for your groany gatherings. And though these suggestions may seem pale by comparison at first--give 'em a chance, for Chrissakes! Remember that first season of Melrose when Michael and Jane were actually in love? Brrrrrr! It still makes my skin crawl!
Suggestion #1: Hollywood Squares (Mon-Fri, 7:30 pm, KING 5)--Wait! Before you kill me, just think about it for a second! Hollywood Squares is a lot like Melrose Place. Though they're not actually fistfighting, there's still plenty of sniping and backstabbing among the stars, and at least as much substance abuse! And just as Melrose has Heather Locklear, Hollywood Squares has Whoopi Goldberg--the permanent "special guest star"!
Suggestion #2: Guinness World Records (Fri 8 pm, Fox)--If there was ever a show built for communal viewing, this is it! We loved Melrose because it excelled in portraying the extremes of the human condition--and Guinness spotlights similar examples, such as the world's largest goiter, and individuals who pop their eyeballs out of their heads or blow spaghetti from their noses--and when's the last time you saw Billy or Alison do that?
Suggestion #3: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Tues 8 pm, WB)--Anything Melrose has, Buffy has too! Including: death and resurrection (check!), hot new fashions (yep!), hiphop soundtrack (dag, that shit is dope!), sex scandals (hubba-hubba!), fistfighting (haiii-yah!), and mental illness (cuckoo! cuckoo!). About the only thing it doesn't have is hookers who are immediately hired off the streets to be ad executives... but jeez! They're just kids! Give 'em time!
Suggestion #4: WWF Wrestling (Mon 9 pm, USA)--This is about the closest one can get to the high-powered drama of Melrose Place. Here's the plot: WWF Wrestling Chairman Vince McMahon holds a vise-like grip on the lives of his wrestlers/employees. But when a champion reaches the top (like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin), McMahon immediately starts sending challengers his way to tear him down, and the champion must either bodyslam or be bodyslammed. Treachery, deception, and cruelty are the primary attractions of this highly rated night-time soap. The only difference between the WWF and Melrose is that wrestlers don't wear mini-skirts, and only rarely call each other "bitch."
Now, those are FOUR very good suggestions. You can also try Party of Five, Dawson's Creek, and Felicity--but let's be realistic, shall we? These shows not only lack the operatic mayhem of Melrose, they also suck big hippo dick. But even if you don't find a new show, remember what's really important: keeping your community of friends together. And how do we do this? By stabbing them in the back, ripping off their clothes, getting thrown in prison, and screwing your best friend's hubby. Hey, it worked for Melrose Place!
