What is UP with those Kardashian people? You know who I'm talking about, right? The stars of that inexplicably popular show called Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!, running almost constantly)? Now, according to the internet (because I'm too angry and superior to watch the show myself), Keeping Up with the Kardashians supposedly stars Kim Kardashian, who, according to Wikipedia, has done absolutely NOTHING for the entirety of her life. Seriously! She has done N-O-T-H-I-N-G!! As celebrities go, she makes Paris Hilton look like Nelson Mandela! So far, she's had walk-on roles on a couple of sitcoms, posed nude for Playboy, developed a workout DVD... aaaand that's about it. Oh! And she also starred in a leaked home porno with her then-boyfriend Ray J—but who hasn't? (Not bragging, but my homemade porno with Ray J also had a cameo from Carrot Top.) AND FOR THIS, SHE GETS A REALITY SHOW??? (And a Wikipedia page?) AWWW... HELL TO THE NO!
You know what my Wikipedia page says about me? That's a trick question, because I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN WIKIPEDIA PAGE! BECAUSE, APPARENTLY, I'M NOT FAMOUS ENOUGH TO GET ONE!! And yet this do-nothing slut-hag gets her own freaking show, as well as mad props from Wikipedia—even though she doesn't have a nationally syndicated TV column or the necessary connections to bang both Ray J and Carrot Top simultaneously?? Somebody get me the e-mail address of those guys who declare things "crimes against humanity"—because I wanna declare a crime against humanity!!
Now, don't get me wrong! I have no problem with idiots who get their own reality shows—as long as those idiots have accomplished something. Let's take for example David Hasselhoff. The accomplished Mr. Hasselhoff—at the young age of 58—has already accomplished more accomplishments than most people accomplish in a lifetime. He's starred in two of the most amazing shows of the past century (Knight Rider AND Baywatch) and then went on to become a judge on America's Got Talent, a German pop star sensation, and the unwitting star of an incredibly popular YouTube video in which he portrays a drunk, shirtless David Hasselhoff consuming a cheeseburger. The dude is a quintuple threat!
That's why I have absolutely ZERO problem with David Hasselhoff getting his own reality show, which coincidentally debuts this week and is called The Hasselhoffs (A&E, Sun Dec 5, 10 pm). The show revolves around the Hoff and his near-constant meddling in the showbiz affairs of his two adult daughters, Hayley and Taylor-Ann, who are trying to get their sure-to-be-terrible band "Bella Vida" off the ground. The family flies around the world, attending one event after another, as the girls bicker incessantly and the Hoff valiantly struggles to appear even moderately sober. (Please, please, PLEASE let there be one poop-face drunk and shirtless cheeseburger-eating scene!)
So to sum up: Be sure to watch The Hasselhoffs; never, ever, EVER watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians; and help me kick off a letter-writing campaign to get my new porno reality show (starring myself, Ray J, and Carrot Top) on the air. If this doesn't get me a Wikipedia page, nothing will!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 2
8:00 ABC SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
The best of the creepy Rankin/Bass wooden-puppet holiday specials!
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
After reading about China's growth as a global power, Michael reacts badly and racist-ly.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 3
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Nice Clark switches places with Evil Clark from an alternate universe. Oh why can't there be a Morally Ambiguous Clark?
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 4
9:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
American Idol winner Taylor Hicks talks about his ghost of a career. HAW! Burrrrrrrn.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Featuring musical guest Diddy, and not-as-funny-as-one-might-think Robert De Niro.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 5
10:00 A&E THE HASSELHOFFS
Debut! The Hoff tries to convince his daughters to stay in school, but they can't understand him with that cheeseburger in his mouth.
10:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Season finale! A weirdo doctor allows Rick and the gang access to the CDC—where things get a little... ohhh... zombie-ish.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 6
11:00 TLC THE NEXT GREAT BAKER
Debut! Ten pastry chefs compete to see who can bake the best cake. AREN'T YOU FREAKING EXCITED?!?
11:00 MTV THE VICE GUIDE TO EVERYTHING
The always controversial Vice magazine's new show which is a "cross between Jackass and 60 Minutes."
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 7
8:00 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards celebrate Christmas by trying to convince Brittany there's no such thing as Santa. BASTARDS.
10:00 SUN GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS WHO LIKE BOYS
Debut! A new reality series about straight girls and the gay guys they love.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8
8:00 G4 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Season premiere! The USA version of the hilariously addictive Japanese obstacle course!
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Mitchell and Cameron get a playground surprise when they discover little Lily is a little b-hole.
Send your nominations for "Crimes Against Humanity" to... email@example.com