YOU KNOW, I've decided to start the new year off with a BANG! by printing some excerpts from my new book, Everything I Know I Picked Up from a One-Armed Carny with the Clap: The Wit and Wisdom of Wm™ Steven Humphrey, Author of I Love Television™, the Wildly Unpopular Television Column No One Will Admit to Reading. Though I haven't found a publisher yet, I expect my book to eventually reach the top of The New York Times' bestseller list, where it will stay for 10 months before plummeting in sales, eventually winding up on the 50-cent rack outside of Tower Books.
The following dollops of wisdom and whimsy are culled from past columns, and while it may not be my "best" work, it is at least filled with the disgusting and lurid imagery readers have come to appreciate from I Love Television™. Enjoy!
On parenting: "Kids need some 'alone time' to test out their potential for delinquency (i.e., sneaking smokes behind the garage, and using shaken 7-Up bottles in lieu of contraception). If ya ask me, parents should take a tip from MY old man, who said a grand total of 117 sentences to me in his lifetime--83 of which were, 'Here's five dollars.' Now, that's a dad!"
On Jennifer Lopez's monobrow: "During her 'pre-eyebrow plucking' days as a Fly Girl on In Living Color, Jennifer's very bushy brow not only attempted to circumnavigate her head, but also threatened to travel southward, interrupting her ability to eat soup."
On sniffing panties: "If you're a dog, then snorting dirty laundry is something I can understand. My pooch, Marmaduke Goldstein--an aficionado of offbeat human smells--is all too happy to ram his nose into your crack with the speed of a torpedo sinking the Bismarck. But I ain't no dog, and as for me, there are just too many stinks inside a pair of briefs to make it worth my while!"
On psychic phenomena: "You saw The Sixth Sense, right? That movie about the snot-nosed punk who was oh!--sooooo sensitive about being able to see dead people, but didn't have the common decency to inform Bruce Willis that he died? That's like not telling someone his pants are unzipped!"
On Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes: "I know for a FACT that Mike Wallace hasn't done a goddam day's worth of work in his life. And I know for another FACT that Mike Wallace sits on his big fat ass eating pork rinds and watching Woody Woodpecker cartoons until it's time for him to go on TV and act like a big shot--when in reality he's just another 70-year-old with a leaky colostomy bag!"
On children: "If you ask ME, kids have had it too good for too long! Take daycares for example: Every day, millions get dropped off at fancy-pantsy daycare facilities. Yet what are these kids actually doing? NOTHING. Unless you call sitting around in a diaper filled with excrement and drooling down the front of a "Grandma Loves Me" T-shirt 'doing something.' Meanwhile, we adults work our fannies off every cotton-pickin' day at ridiculous jobs doing ridiculous things for ridiculous people, and what do WE get in return? Again, NOTHING. Unless you call slowly being turned into pencil-pushing alcoholic zombies with job-inflicted Tourette's syndrome and a permanent yeast infection 'getting something.'"