Look. I pay GOOD MONEY to watch TV. The last time I checked, my satellite provider milks me for around 70 bones per month—and yet, what do I get? Deal or No Deal. Repeats of Wife Swap and Grey's Anatomy. The only thing stopping me from shutting off my TV entirely and devoting my life to internet porn is American Gladiators—which is not entirely dissimilar from internet porn, is it?
Anyway, here's the problem with TV this summer: ORDINARY PEOPLE. They're screwing everything up! You know who I'm talking about, right? The receptionist at the insurance company? The guy who works the forklift at the ballpoint-pen factory? The 45-year-old accountant at the St. Louis headquarters of Dunkin' Donuts? THESE ARE THE A-HOLES WHO ARE RUINING MY LIFE. And here's why: Ordinary people are so freaking bored with crunching numbers for Dunkin' Donuts, they'll do anything to relieve the ridiculous mundanity of their ho-hum existence... even appearing on humiliating reality competitions for ZERO PAY!
Seriously, what is wrong with you people?! The networks are USING YOU, knowing full well that they can produce an entire series for less than 87 cents, simply because you have no problem with going on national TV dressed like a bug and throwing yourself at a car's windshield.
Let me put it another way: Would you like to see Jennifer Garner in her underpants? Sure, who wouldn't? But here's the thing... Jennifer Garner in her underpants COSTS MONEY—money the networks would gladly pay if it weren't for you jackass Dunkin' Donuts accountants who are working for free! Meanwhile, poor Jennifer Garner is wearing an ill-fitting tracksuit and digging around in a garbage can for half-eaten hot dogs because YOU are taking the jobs that should be going to HER!
This Hollywood outsourcing has got to stop! And yet? There are TWO new shows debuting this week, both featuring "ordinary people" doing "extraordinary things."
• DANCE MACHINE (ABC, Fri June 27, 8 pm). From the ABC press release: "Each episode features six real people from all walks of life who will face off against each other in a series of one-on-one dance-offs. Imagine a 70-year-old grandmother in a dance-off with a 25-year-old gravedigger, to the tune of Michael Jackson's 'Thriller.'" Actually, I'd rather imagine Jennifer Garner dancing her underpants off!
• THE SINGING OFFICE (TLC, Sun June 29, 9 pm). Joey "The Fat One" Fatone and Mel B. (Scary Spice) travel to ordinary workplaces and choose ordinary employees to compete against other ordinary offices in a song-and-dance contest. Mmmmm... I DON'T THINK SO. I'm pretty sure I can see a lonely 49-year-old menopausal accounts-receivable clerk murdering "Hotel California" at the karaoke bar down the street. Besides... she's not Jennifer Garner... AND SHE'S NOT IN HER UNDERWEAR!
So if you happen to be an "ordinary person"—CUT IT THE EFF OUT! Either start charging these network honchos a hundred grand to appear on their humiliation fests, or go back to changing my oil at the Jiffy Lube. (And NO, unless you're Jennifer Garner in her underpants, I don't want you to check my radiator fluid!)