As you undoubtedly know, every July 4 I flip the finger at the boss, run home, and spend the rest of the day sitting in an inflatable pool, where I drink beer and fellate corn dogs. Why? Because that's AMERICA, bitches! See, Independence Day is about MY "independence" from writing a TV column—which is why, instead of writing something new, I usually run a repeat column on July 4 entitled "America: Why I Love Her." Basically, it's a mash note to the country I adore that includes references to drag racing, donkeys, and throttling commies. In the past, this column has been so popular—especially in the red states—that I was able to charge $5 a pop for laminated copies.
Unfortunately, thanks to a certain unnamed UNITED STATES PRESIDENT, many Americans now hate "America"—which has dumped my laminated-column sales into the toilet. So NOW, instead of spending the day celebrating my independence and sucking the insides out of corn dogs, I HAVE TO WRITE A STUPID TV COLUMN. Whoopee-doo!
However! When life gives me lemons, I make poisoned lemonade and laugh as "life" drinks it and slowly dies on my kitchen floor. In other words, I've decided to write a sequel to "America: Why I Love Her" entitled, "America: Why I Love Her—The Sequel." Hope you like it—here it goes.
AMERICA: WHY I LOVE HER—THE SEQUEL
Why do I love America? I love America because if you asked that stupid question in any other country, they'd haul you off to a filthy prison and mutilate your genitals. These are the same countries that accuse US of torturing suspected terrorists. Well, you know what? Those countries torture ME by not being America. Seriously... "world music"? Instead of blowing didgeridoos or "throat chanting," why don't you just throw two cats into a cement mixer and knock off early?
And don't get me started on foreign food. Did you know there are actual countries that worship cows, instead of grinding them up and mixing it into macaroni and cheese? Look, if you prefer to squat over a hole in the ground rather than sit on a nice padded toilet seat, then BY ALL MEANS, leave America.
Here's what America has that other countries don't: Batman Spaghettios, a Starbucks within a rock's throw of another Starbucks, Las Vegas, Tila Tequila, frat boys, Steven Seagal energy drinks, internet porn (in ENGLISH), Arby's, Cathy (the comic strip), soap, puritanical values, peanut butter and jelly mixed in the same jar, Iron Man, Scientology, Whoppers, internet trolls, circus peanuts, dentistry, Battlestar Galactica, factory-farmed beef, Puerto Rico, Crocs, Eddie Murphy and those big foam fingers that say "America #1!"
So thank you, America... thank you for your rolling hills, your crashing waves, your eagles soaring so high. Thank you for your economic-stimulus checks, your hot chicks who sleep with less-than-attractive guys, and your lamination process which allows me to sell these columns for $5 a pop. But most of all, thank you, America, for allowing someone like me to write a TV column in the greatest country in the world... and then take the rest of the day off to deep-throat a corn dog.