Dear superheroes of the world: Let's talk "fashion," shall we? Perhaps it hasn't been brought to your attention, but you look like a goddamn idiot. As I see it, you have only one job: BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF CRIMINALS. However, the uniform you've chosen in which to accomplish this task seems somewhat counterintuitive. For example, would a ballerina dress like a Chuck E. Cheese's mascot? No. Would a construction worker wear assless chaps? Again, no—unless you're talking about my most recent New Year's party. So bearing this in mind, why do superheroes insist on dressing like a Jazzercise video from 1982?
"But... but... spandex allows me freedom of movement," you cry. Yes, while simultaneously encouraging criminals to assume they can beat the shit out of you. "But... but... the sight of rippling muscles is very intimidating," you counter. Perhaps they are—to those of us who aren't laughing hysterically or trying to get you into the sack. (By the way, I totally want to sleep with you.)
So who has the most idiotic costumes? Here's a truncated list: (1) Hawkman! You wear a goddamn papier-mâché bird's head on your face! (2) Batman! Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. All I have to do is step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking is teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair. (3) The Flash! Thanks for putting those little metal wings on the side of your head. NECK SNAP! Now, roll on over and join your friends Stephen Hawking and Batman.
Who has the most awesomest costumes? Here's a truncated list: (1) Hulk! Ripped purple pants are appropriate for his line of work, aka SMASHING THINGS!! (2) Green Lantern! True, there's a lot of spandex—but what do you expect from a guy who wears a ring? (3) Wonder Woman! A three-quarters-nude costume means I'm too busy to commit crimes. (Too busy mstrb8ing.)
As for everyone else, you look like idiots—but whatever. JUST DON'T WEAR A CAPE. And not just because of potential NECK SNAP! If you're going to wear a cape, you might as well add an ascot and one of those stupid Sherlock Holmes hats. OH! And speaking of capes, the stupidest superhero in the world—yes, even stupider than Hawkman—is appearing in a new show this week, appropriately entitled The Cape (NBC, Sun Jan 9, 9 pm).
It's the story of a cop who gets framed for a crime he didn't commit (SNORE!), and to prove his innocence, he joins up with some carnival folk (...what?), dons a cape, and, because he has absolutely zero imagination, calls himself... THE CAPE! Then he runs around town (slower than normal of course, because of, you know... THE CAPE) and uses THE CAPE to disable villains by like... snapping it at them or something. Hey, don't laugh! In the past I've inflicted some serious welts on my showermates using only a rolled-up towel! (Waitasecond. Forget spandex! I could be the world's first towel-clad superhero! And when I whip it off, the criminals will take one look and... NECK SNAP!)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
Season premiere! It's a very Wipeout holiday spectacular featuring snow-inspired obstacles. (See ya in the emergency room!)
10:00 MTV JERSEY SHORE
Season premiere! Snooki and the gang are back with more alcoholism-fueled pseudo-Italian shenanigans!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7
7:00 TOON YOUNG JUSTICE
Robin, Kid Flash, and Superboy try their best not to make fun of Aqualad... but C'MON! His name is AQUALAD!!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8
9:00 BIO CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES
Dukes of Hazzard star John Schneider is visited by the ghost of an outhouse he blew up with a stick of dynamite tied to an arrow.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by that guy who used to be really funny, but I always have trouble remembering his na... oh! Jim Carrey!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9
8:30 FOX BOB'S BURGERS
Debut! A new cartoony about a dysfunctional family's attempts to run a burger joint.
10:00 SHO SHAMELESS
Debut! William H. Macy stars in this absolutely filthy comedy about a family of amoral criminals/party animals.
MONDAY, JANUARY 10
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Brad escorts the girls to a Train concert. ACK!! I'll take the herpes instead, thanks!!
9:00 OXY THE BAD GIRLS CLUB
Season premiere! A brand-new cast of Snookis overruns a house in Hollywood.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 11
10:00 FX LIGHTS OUT
Debut! An ex–heavyweight champ (Holt McCallany) fights to support his family while avoiding a detached retina.
10:30 COM ONION SPORTSDOME
Debut! The very funny people from the Onion deliver this very scathing parody of ESPN.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 12
9:00 TLC MY STRANGE ADDICTION
Tonight, a teen addicted to eating detergent. (Weird... I'm addicted to watching her eat detergent.)
10:00 ABC OFF THE MAP
Debut! Sexy doctors treat unsexy patients in the jungles of South America.
Beware the snap of... THE TOWEL!