Let me begin this column with a little-bitty reminder: American Idol DID NOT discover Justin Bieber. However, it did discover Lee DeWyze. "Who's Lee DeWyze?" you ask. EXACTLY. (For those playing at home, Lee DeWyze was the season nine winner of American Idol. If you're also asking "Who's Justin Bieber?" then you need to go back to digging the Werther's out of your dentures, grampy, because Justin Bieber is only the TRUE idol of America, the world, and the GODDAMN UNIVERSE! And anyone who says differently is gonna be digging my size 10 Fluevog out of their testicles!)
Anyway, how's the "idolization" of Lee DeWyze working out for you? I bet you've been mindlessly driving around town just so you can jam out to Lee's bodyrockin' cover of U2's "Beautiful Day," right? I bet you spend every Saturday "underpants dancing" in front of your mirror, singing Lee DeWyze's debut album, Live It Up, into a hairbrush. (Fun Lee DeWyze fact! Lee's post-Idol debut sold a whopping 98,000 copies. In comparison, poor Justin Bieber's My World 2.0 sold over one million copies—in its first two months.) And I'm certain I will see you whooping it up in the parking lot before the next big Lee DeWyze concert—at the opening of Gold-N-Guns Pawn Shop just off Route 113 in Kankakee, Illinois. (Justin Bieber has never been to a pawnshop in his life.)
OKAY! Enough making fun of Lee DeWyze—after this one last joke. Lee DeWyze is so fat, when he broke his arm, gravy ran out. (Just kidding! I'm talking about Lee's mom.) Anyway, it's not Lee's fault that he's not America's true "idol." The fault rests solely in the irresponsible and psoriasis-covered hands of American Idol, which has looooooong outlived any usefulness and yet returns this week (Wed Jan 19, Fox, 8 pm) for its 10th season with more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers and my aunt Wanda COMBINED.
Idol's season 10 changes include an almost entirely new judges table, featuring Jennifer "Look at my booty so you'll forget my almost nonexistent music career" Lopez, Aerosmith's Steven "Does my face look like it's being suspended from the ceiling by 1,000 fish hooks?" Tyler, and (HEAVY SIGH) the extremely unwelcome return of Randy "What was I doing on this show in the first place?" Jackson.
Other changes include a brand-new set (which will supposedly move the band offstage and force the performers to stop "hiding behind their guitars"), a "sudden death round" that will narrow the field from 20 to the top 10, and dumping the stupid rule that requires the same number of men and women in the final group. HOWEVER! They've obviously forgotten the most important change of all, which is the NAME. This show never has and never will choose America's "idol." We've always done that quite nicely without the help of Ryan Seacrest, and will continue to do so. So what would be a more appropriate name?
"Ladies and gentlemen. THIS... is the Lee DeWyze Memorial Singer's Graveyard!" (Hmm... sorry, Ryan. That's a bit of a mouthful. I'll keep working on it!)
THURSDAY, JANUARY 13
8:00 ABC WIPEOUT
It’s a musical edition of Wipeout—which may drown out the sound of spines snapping.
10:00 A&E BEYOND SCARED STRAIGHT
Debut! Troubled teens visit scary prisons and are scared “beyond” straight. To… umm… gay?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 14
9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW
Season premiere! Ricky and Stephen return to make fun of Karl’s idea for a new Rebecca De Mornay movie.
Midnight HBO FUNNY OR DIE PRESENTS
Season premiere! Sketches include “Reenactments of Actual Conversations from the Ladies’ Rooms of Hollywood.”
SATURDAY, JANUARY 15
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Musical guest Cee Lo allows host Gwyneth Paltrow to ruin his awesome song “Fuck You.” So for that… well, you know.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 16
5:00 NBC THE GOLDEN GLOBES
Ricky Gervais hosts this awards ceremony presided over by members of the easily bribable foreign press.
9:00 HBO BIG LOVE
Season premiere! For some reason, things aren’t so great after Bill reveals to the world he’s a polygamist.
MONDAY, JANUARY 17
10:00 NBC HARRY’S LAW
Debut! Yet another snoozy lawyer show that might not completely stink because of star Kathy Bates.
10:00 MTV SKINS
Debut! A scrubbed-down remake of the absolutely filthy/ sexy/druggy British teen drama.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 18
8:00 FOX GLEE
In this Glee-peat, Kurt gets horny for the Warblers, and Mr. Schue makes out with Biest to cheer her up. (WTF?!?)
10:00 FX LIGHTS OUT
Ex-boxing champ Lights is forced back into the ring by a dickhead loan shark with an ax to grind!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 19
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Season premiere! Randy Jackson changes his catchphrase from “What up, dog?” to “Why am I here, yo?”
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
The Dunphy kids walk in on their parents having sex and immediately go into epileptic shock.
This article has been updated since its original publication.