Today I am in a veritable state of ecstasy, because this week the new 90210 debuts (CW, Tues Sept 2, 8 pm)! YAY! The "teen drama gods" have obviously heard our cries, and—after finally realizing that Gossip Girl just isn't as good as everyone claims—have bestowed upon us a brand-new show spotlighting teens and their nudist hormonal tendencies. OKAY, FINE. Obviously 90210 isn't exactly "new" since it's a thinly disguised remake of the holiest of all teen dramas, Beverly Hills 90210. HOWEVER! It does have the three attributes that all successful teen dramas must have: (1) teen hunks, (2) teen whores, and (3) morally impotent parents.
Plus, the basic structure is still intact: Siblings move from the red Midwest to the decidedly blue West Hollywood, where they must quickly adapt to a high-school environment that doesn't look kindly upon hillbillies. Soon enough, however, they quickly make friends, enemies, and "frenemies," with the school rebel, jock, and aforementioned hot teen whore.
BUT HERE'S MY MAJOR MALFUNCTION. "Teen dramas" should be what their name implies, with the emphasis on "TEEN." So when you throw too many adults into the mix, it not only screws up the balance of the teen-drama universe, it seriously cuts into time when the teens can be engaging in drugs, booze, steroid abuse, homosexuality, fistfights, unwanted pregnancies, and most importantly, poolside nudity.
Now I had no problem with the original 90210's adult-to-nude-teen ratio: There were the Walshes, that horny perv who ran the Peach Pit—and that was IT. However, in the newest incarnation, you've not only got the mom, dad, and the Peach Pit perv, there are also a couple of teachers played by decrepit original 90210 cast members! Remember Kelly Taylor (Jennie Garth)? THE TEEN WHORE? Now she's the new guidance counselor at West Hollywood High! Hopefully she's not giving birth-control advice, because—take it from me—a shaken bottle of 7-Up does not work.
Also returning to the fold is Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) who is best remembered for having a weird droopy left eye, and making everyone's life on the set a living hell. Well, for reasons unknown, Shannen has been invited back to play the high-school drama teacher (with a probable emphasis on DRAMA) and freak everybody out with her droopy left eye.
Who's missing? Well, Tori Spelling was supposed to return as the faux virgin Donna Martin, until she reportedly learned that Shannen and Jennie were making more money and so told the studio to kiss her surgically restored ass. Luke Perry and Ian Ziering (aka Dylan McKay and Steve Sanders) have also refused to come back because of sadly misplaced superiority complexes, and as for Gabrielle Carteris (Andrea Zuckerman)? I'm pretty sure she died in an old folks home in 1998 at the ripe old age of 127. So I guess she's out.
BUT HERE'S MY POINT: The fewer adults on this show, the better! I say send these 90210 alum-nuts to the garbage heap where they belong, and focus on the next generation. Let's celebrate the hot teen whores of tomorrow!
Thursday, August 28
8:00 FOX The Moment of Truth
This lie-detector game show returns with a special two-hour marriage-destroying episode.
10:30 COM Reality Bites Back
The comedians compete in The Amazing Disgrace—which probably won't do much for their self-esteem.
Friday, August 29
9:00 ANI Grizzly Man Diaries
Debut! A man documents his time studying grizzly bears, while avoiding having his ass removed.
11:00 HBO Real Time with Bill Maher
The caustic comedian returns with more politically inspired snark.
Saturday, August 30
9:00 BBCA Primeval
An ancient evil arises from the deep just so it can take a big crap all over London.
Sunday, August 31
9:00 BBCA Skins
For reasons unknown, Chris suffers at school after taking a crazy amount of drugs.
10:00 AMC Mad Men
Don's new secretary experiences trouble on the job. (Too bad "sexual harassment" hasn't been invented yet.)
Monday, September 1
8:00 CW Gossip Girl
Season premiere! A brand-new season of the show that isn't nearly as good as everyone wishes it were.
10:00 ABC/NBC Republican National Convention
Hilarity ensues when Republicans try to drum up interest in a candidate they can't stand.
Tuesday, September 2
8:00 ABC Wipeout
Tragedy strikes the Wipeout set when a contestant successfully completes the course without a single wipeout.
10:00 FX The Sheild
Season premiere! Bald-headed badass Vic Mackey is back with the newest (and final) slam-bang season!
Wednesday, September 3
8:00 CW America's Next Top Model
Season premiere! They should really rename this show. Has Tyra EVER actually found a "top model"?
10:00 FX Sons of Anarchy
Debut! Outlaw bikers are featured in this new reality show, which I will not make fun of because they will kill me.