Auugghh! AUUGGHH!! Oh, hi. Remember a couple of weeks ago, when I was so intent on being completely prepared for the onslaught of new and returning TV shows? Well, as it turns out, I'm terrifically UN-prepared. In fact, I am so NON-prepared, I may have to spend what little preparation time I have left to build a time machine, so I can go back in time to get better prepared. See, even though my TiVo is designed to record two shows at once, that's not nearly enough to handle the avalanche of awesomeness airing this week.
So here's the plan: For the shows my TiVo can't handle, I will illegally run more lines from my satellite dish to a separate TV hooked up to my ancient VCR and a Betamax machine stolen from my grandmother's basement. If that's not enough, I'll split the wire again, hook up another TV, and videotape the show with a camcorder borrowed from my cousin Chet, the porn producer. Any remaining shows will be outsourced to a talented class of kindergarten students, who will watch the program and then reenact it for me at a later date. (I'm thinking Mad Men might be a good choice.)
BUT OMIGOD! Take a look at all the new and returning shows clogging up the works this week! THURSDAY: My Name Is Earl (NBC, 8 pm), Ugly Betty (ABC, 8 pm), Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9 pm), ER (NBC, 10 pm). SUNDAY: The Amazing Race (CBS, 8 pm), The Simpsons (Fox, 8 pm), King of the Hill (Fox, 8:30 pm), Desperate Housewives (ABC, 9 pm), Family Guy (Fox, 9 pm), American Dad (Fox, 9:30 pm). WEDNESDAY: Pushing Daisies (ABC, 8 pm), Private Practice (ABC, 9 pm), Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, 10 pm).
AND THOSE AREN'T EVEN THE SHOWS I GIVE TWO CRAPS ABOUT!! Here are the shows I give two craps about:
• Survivor: Gabon—Earth's Last Eden (CBS, Thurs Sept 25, 8 pm). Full disclosure: I only give one crap about this. Primarily because this edition features an Olympic athlete and a video-game nerd, and it promises to pit "good against evil." And I've got 50 bucks on "evil."
• The Office (NBC, Thurs Sept 25, 9 pm). It's one glorious hour of Dunder Mifflin, where we discover the answer to last season's cliff-hanger, "Isn't a love triangle between Dwight, Angela, and Andy supergross?"
• Little Britain (HBO, Sun Sept 28, 10:30 pm). A huge hit in "Big" Britain, sketch comedy artists Matt Lucas and David Walliams will see if Americans can appreciate their sick, disgusting sense of humor. (Psst! If you regularly read this column without throwing up, you'll appreciate it, too.)
• Paris Hilton's My New BFF (MTV, Tues Sept 30, 10 pm). Okay. So 18 people live in a house together and compete to become Paris Hilton's new best friend. You know, I truly believe that if Adolf Hitler were alive today and started a reality competition called Gas Chamber, there would be hundreds of people lining up to compete.
OMIGOD! That would be a great reenactment for the kindergarten class!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
It’s Clark’s first day at the Daily Planet… and he’s immediately laid off due to downsizing.
8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Season premiere! Joy cons the Make-a-Wish Foundation into sending a celebrity to her trailer.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
6:00 All Networks PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
It’s young and virile Barack Obama versus the old and translucent-skinned John McCain. WHO YA GOT?!?
11:00 HBO REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER
Don’t miss what’s sure to be a hilarious wrap-up of tonight’s debate!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
9:00 HBO CHRIS ROCK: KILL THE MESSENGER
The pants-crappingly funny Chris Rock returns with another comedy concert.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 Fox THE SIMPSONS
Season premiere! Marge accidentally begins work at an erotic bakery; sexy shenanigans ensue!
11:00 HBO THE LIFE AND TIMES OF TIM
Debut! Tim is a schlub who watches helplessly as his life unravels in this new animated sitcom.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Season premiere! Chuck asks Sarah out on a real first date (not a fakey secret-agent date where there’s no chance of sex).
10:00 NBC LIFE
Season premiere! The eccentric Detective Charlie returns, and he’s on the trail of the jerkiest serial killer yet.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
9:00 CW PRIVILEGED
Megan finds a porno DVD in Rose’s book bag—which isn’t nearly as bad as the stuff she’d find in my book bag.
10:00 FX THE SHIELD
A murderous nemesis goes after Claudette, forcing Vic to open up a truckload of whoop-ass!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL
The models are asked to pose as “natural disasters.” WTF?? This show is so horrible… and I love it!
10:30 COM LEWIS BLACK’S ROOT OF ALL EVIL
Season finale! Lewis and the “lawyers” discuss which is more evil: The Hills or “rocket scientists.”