As you may have noticed, both Halloween and the election are within days of each other. Soooo... PANIC!! I'm sorry, but this can NOT be good for the national mindset as Halloween is a day about fake terror and Election Day is about actual terror. The only good thing about Election Day is that it makes my stomach so nervous, I'll finally crap out that wad of Halloween candy that will most assuredly be wedged inside my rectum.
But that's not to say that Halloween doesn't have its own share of legitimate terrors. Take for example: teenagers. On November 4 we should totally be voting for a "No More Teenagers Trick-or-Treating" law. True story: Last Halloween, I'm giving out candy all evening, and then around 9:30 p.m. the doorbell rings. I open the door and I'm surprised that no one's there—until suddenly a goddamn teen wearing a Freddy Kruger mask leaps out from behind the bushes screaming, "EEEEEYAAAAAAUUGGHH!!"
It's certainly one thing to scare the poop into my pants—but this teen scared me SO BAD, my poop actually jumped out of my pants, ran for the phone, and started screaming hysterically to 911.
Another legitimate Halloween terror? Sarah Palin. Not the "real" Sarah Palin, mind you—although she's bad enough—but the throngs of Sarah Palin costumes you'll undoubtedly see on Halloween (or as it shall heretofore be known, "the night of 100,000,000 Sarah Palins"). So to all those gals (and guys) thinking of dressing up like the VP wannabe, I have one word of advice: DON'T. Why? Because (a) there will be more Sarah Palins on the streets than crabs in Hugh Hefner's hot tub, and (b) just because you have brown hair and a great set of funbags doesn't mean you get to take the uncreative route. (Seriously! Would dressing up as "Sexy Nancy Pelosi" be such a crime?) However, if you simply MUST be Sarah Palin, then please put a creative spin on it—for example: Come to the party dressed as a slaughtered moose... and then be the bloody, knife-wielding Sarah Palin who jumps out of its stomach! HILARIOUS! HORRIFYING! And? Thought-provoking.
Oh crap. I forgot to talk about TV. So, real quick: Speaking of Sarah Palin, her less-famous twin sister Tina Fey returns this week in the season premiere of 30 Rock (NBC, Thurs, 9:30 pm). Plus if you loved American Gladiators, then I'm pretty sure you won't be as pleased with the British version, entitled simply Gladiators (BBCA, Sat, 4 pm). What are they going to do? Throw crumpets at each other? However, whatever you do, don't miss next Tuesday's election-night coverage. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (Comedy Central, Tues, 10 pm) will be teaming up to bring America twice the comedy, while the other networks will be doing their best to stop our country from slipping into a blind panic when it turns out the Republicans have switched every voting booth with a shredding machine and demanded a "do over" while blaming the entire mess on Obama's "terrorist pals."
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
As the only person to wear a Halloween costume to work at corporate headquarters, Pam feels a little… awwwwwkward!
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Season premiere! Liz decides to adopt a baby with absolutely no help from evaluator Megan Mullally.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31
7:00 SCIFI GHOST HUNTERS
It’s the ghostiest Halloween yet for the hunters who go on a seven-hour search for goblins… LIVE ON TV. (No pressure.)
8:00 CBS GHOST WHISPERER
Meanwhile, a ghost gets super annoyed with Melinda, begging her to “please… speak… UP!!”
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 1
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Ben Affleck hosts, with special guest David Cook (and maybe superspecial guest Barack Obama?).
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
The 19th annual “Treehouse of Horrors” features parodies of Charlie Brown, the Transformers and Mad Men? Woot!
10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Vince almost poops his high-priced panties after meeting actor Jason Patric.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3
9:00 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE’S PRESIDENTIAL BASH
New clips combine with old as the SNL cast skewers politicos from then and now.
10:00 BRAVO FIRST CLASS ALL THE WAY
Debut! High-class concierge Sara Duffy tries (in vain) to please her superpicky fancy-pants clients.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4
8:00 ALL NETS ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE
For the love of god… EVERYONE STAY CALM.
10:00 COM STEWART/COLBERT ELECTION COVERAGE
I’m serious. We don’t want anyone to get hurt. DO NOT PANIC.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
8:00 CW AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODELDuring a critique, one of the models screams at the judges. Oh, hell to the NO!
10:00 BRAVO TOP DESIGNSeason finale! The final designers have to design a house… from top to bottom?! Run away! It’s not worth it!