Friends! I am on vacation this week, which means you get to read an old-timey I Television™ column from the archives. Oh, shut up. Things could be worse.
—Wm.™ Steven Humphrey
Lucas Humboldt of Richmond, Virginia, writes, "Dear Mr. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: I am 9 years old. I like the Olsen twins. They are nice. I like them. But they are twins, and I can't tell the difference. What is the difference? Thank you, Mr. Humphrey. You are nice, too."
Lucas, you perverted sack of crap. I think it's pretty apparent what this so-called innocent request is all about. Just like every other guy in the world, your pee-pee is engorged with blood over the fact that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen just turned 18 years old! You want to have filthy monkey S-E-X with them, and I bet you even had one of those creepy counters on your computer, ticking down the minutes until the Olsen twins came of legal, and thereby porkable, age. You, sir, are a sicko FAWK.
However, while Lucas is undoubtedly an obscene syphilitic deviant whose filthy fingers are coated with the stench of three-day-old DNA... he kind of has a point. How do you tell the difference between Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen? Well, that's for me to know and for lucky YOU to finally find out! But first, some fun and fancy-free facts about the Olsen twins.
FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley are not identical twins... they're fraternal. Which, apparently, is something different.
FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley were only 1 year old when cast on the hit TV show Full House, and 4 years old when they became demanding bitches.
FACT! Mary-Kate and Ashley's biggest success has been in straight-to-video films, such as To Grandmother's House We Go and Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. (Both of which were far superior to later offerings such as You're Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashley's Mall of America Party. While certainly whimsical, it lacked the philosophical underpinnings and depth of their earlier work, such as How the West Was Fun.) They are now ba-zillionaires.
But the question remains: How are the Olsen twins different? Though each is a multifaceted individual, here's a quick primer on how to tell the difference if you happen to wind up in the same hot tub.
Mary-Kate: Younger by two minutes. Dyes hair brown. Fave items: cashmere blanket, cell phone, iPod. Fave movie: Labyrinth. Fave school subject: English. Wears a size 5.5 shoe. Played "the wild one" in New York Minute. Conceived thanks to an injection of monkey DNA. Ranked #61 in FHM's "100 Sexiest Women" poll. Will never sleep with you in a billion years.
Ashley: Older by two minutes. Dyes hair blond. Fave items: cashmere blanket, cell phone, credit card. Fave movie: Pretty in Pink. Fave school subject: math. Wears a size 5.5 shoe. Played "the other one" in New York Minute. Conceived thanks to an injection of troll DNA. Ranked #61.5 in FHM's "100 Sexiest Women" poll. Will consider sleeping with you in a billion years, if it will raise her ranking from #61.5 to #59.7.
There. Now will you please get some counseling?