Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) once famously called the internet "a series of tubes." Naturally, this is a ridiculously ignorant and naive statement. Everyone knows the internet is actually a series of tubes filled with porn. Try it for yourself! Just enter "porn" into your Google search, and an internet tube will magically ejaculate porn all over your face. HOWEVER! This is not to say porn is the only useful ejaculate to be found inside internet tubes. There are also hilarious videos of people walking into glass doors, cats eating peanuts, monkeys riding Segways, ATV riders getting decapitated by garage doors, skateboarders breaking falls with their faces, RoboCop riding a unicorn, my ex-lover performing a song about how I suck in bed, Target employees getting run over by shopping carts, employees urinating into company watercoolers, girls kissing each other, Gary Busey, old person fistfights, Latino midgets dressed up like Sarah Palin, aaaaaand... did I mention porn?
HOWEVER AGAIN! Are the internet tubes a suitable replacement for television? Answer: Yes and no. "Yes" because television is embarrassingly behind in "porn and squirrels-on-water-skis" technology. "No" because watching Audrina's huge donkey-teeth on The Hills is naturally more edifying on a larger screen. On the other hand, when it comes to "pure entertainment," internet tubes are not only catching up to television—they're squirting out twice as much. Just this past week we celebrated three major advancements inside the InterTubes:
• The One-Year Anniversary of Hulu.com: Kind of like the YouTube tube for television, Hulu is a clearinghouse of great TV, featuring clips and full episodes of The Office, Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Daily Show, Battlestar Galactica, and tons more. Plus anytime free films like Edward Scissorhands, Starship Troopers, Ghostbusters—and with limited ads, to boot! This wildly successful site is celebrating its first anniversary—so if you haven't tried its tube? It's got a bucketload of entertainment to shoot your way!
• The Debut of Strike TV: Originated during "the Great Writers' Strike of '07," Strike TV (www.strike.tv) features original programming from Hollywood's finest who are looking to strut their artistic stuff—without bigwigs breathing down their necks or stealing their ownership. Check out Global Warming (where SNL's Kristen Wiig and The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi portray star-crossed office romantics searching for love and tech support) or House Poor (starring Mindy Kaling from The Office, who's trying to trick people into giving her stuff for her new house). And according to the tube's managers, there are even more shows on the way! SQUIRT!
• Introducing MTVMusic.com: After years of stupidly refusing to show videos—MTV brings its humongous backlog of classic and new vids to the InterTubes! Seriously, I spent a better part of a business day surfing and watching such awesome and hilarious classics as Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up," Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," Beastie Boys "She's on It," and the most embarrassing song Prince has ever written, "Batdance." See? The InterTubes are good for something other than porn, and... well, I think I've waited long enough. Back to watching porn!
9:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Seated next to each other on a plane, annoying Liz nearly gets cracked over the head with Oprah Winfrey's book club.
10:00 MTV 50 CENT: THE MONEY AND THE POWER
Debut! Rapper 50 Cent shows young people how to be successful. Tip number one: Get shot nine times.
8:00 CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS
Tonya begins wearing a bra to school to attract attention, which actually really worked great for me.
9:00 SCIFI YETI—Movie
(2008) An abominable snow monster chases a college football team who crashes in the Himalayas. I got the Yeti by three points.
11:00 FOX MADTV
Host Jeff Probst (Survivor) changes things slightly by voting unfunny cast members off the show.
10:00 HBO ENTOURAGE
Eric freaks after learning he has to work with his archnemesis Seth Green.
10:30 HBO SUMMER HEIGHTS HIGH
Debut! Hilarious Aussie Chris Lillie portrays two students and a gay drama teacher in this high school mockumentary.
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Blair dislikes Eleanor's new boyfriend Wallace Shawn (who I will admit kind of creeps me out, too).
8:00 BRAVO INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO
For their 200th episode, Studio flips the script and lets guest Dave Chappelle interview host James Lipton! Whu-WHA?
8:00 CW 90210
Jealous Naomi ruins Annie's Sweet 16 birthday party. Annie responds by ruining Naomi's face.
10:00 SCIFI CHA$E
Debut! Hunters track down human prey on a deserted island and... wait. NO GUNS?? BOOOOOO!!!
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Paulina gives the girls tips on how to pose with a dead fish. So many jokes, so little time....
10:00 SCIFI ESTATE OF PANIC
Debut! A new reality show where contestants must navigate a "haunted" mansion. Tonight's challenge: "Don't Trip on the Corpse."