Calling all nerds! It's time to breathe a sigh of relief and wipe the sweat off those thick glasses, because Star Trek is coming out with a brand-new show this fall! That's right! And hold on to your pocket protector, Poindexter, because this one promises to be more exciting than a Spiderman/Spawn crossover!

Now that the wildly unpopular Star Trek: Voyager is finally going to the cancellation garbage dump, that leaves plenty of room on UPN for the newest addition to the Trekkie universe, which will be entitled Star Trek: Enterprise. And though the producers are guarding the plot of Enterprise with their lives, I dug deep into countless Internet chat rooms manned by bespectacled geeks to come up with the straight poop on this exciting new show. (And I hope you finally recognize the sacrifices I make for your happiness. Well? DO YOU???)

Star Trek: Enterprise is what is known in "nerd speak" as a "prequel"--this means the story takes place roughly 10 years before Cap'n Kirk would be strutting around the bridge in nipple-revealing tight shirts. The big boss on the new show will be Scott Bakula (no, not Chachi from Happy Days, and yes, the mono-browed star of Quantum Leap) as Captain Jonathan Archer, who will pilot an old-school version of the Enterprise that makes Cap'n Picard's ship look like a deluxe stretch limo with hookers poking through the sunroof.

So if you're traveling on the prequel version of the Enterprise, that means NO fancy talkin' computers, NO blind black guys with air filters on their eyes, NO simulated strip joints on the holodeck, NO asking the computer to make you a chili-slaw dog with cheese, and NO pasty-faced robots bitching and moaning about wanting to be human. In this version, the ship is all buttons and switches, the transporter can barely take you to the corner store, and the phasers are lucky if they can burn toast. And as for the crew? THEY ARE HUMANS, thankyouverymuch! No bumpy-headed freaks or "shape-shifters" that sleep in a bucket. (Okay, they do have one Vulcan, but everybody hates her, because just like Spock, she's all patronizing and shit.)

Now, if Scott Bakula ends up fistfighting locals on distant planets and returning to the Enterprise with a bloody lip and torn shirt, this version may turn out to be even better than "TOS" ("the original series"--nerd-speak again). Because... well, let's be blunt, shall we? The rest of the Star Trek shows SUCK--because Voyager, Deep Space Nine, and Cap'n Picard's crew were all a bunch of spoiled diaper babies suckin' on advanced-technology pacifiers.

See, the reason the Star Trek franchise has been swirling down the toilet is not because of a lack of creativity or story lines; it's because the producers have lost sight of humankind's original reason for exploring the galaxy in the first place. And that reason is to seek out new forms of life... to boldly go where no man has gone before... (and while we're at it, maybe nuke some aliens, and hopefully bang some moon dolls).