WHO GIVES A RUNNY POOP ABOUT THE new Charlie's Angels movie? I give a poop, my friends--I DO. Why? Because these Hollywood MO-rons haven't even started filming their tribute to the classic jiggle-jiggle, shake-shake '70s all-girl detective show, and as far as I'm concerned they've already ruined it! And here are some very profound reasons why!!

Strike 1: The Charlie's Angels feature film will star and be produced by (ick!) Drew Fawking Barrymore! And even worse, she's taking over Kate Jackson's role as the group's sole poindexter angel, Sabrina Duncan! Now excuse me, but the only thing Drew Barrymore has in common with Kate Jackson is her bleached mustache. (Okay... that was catty, but it's TRUE!!) And excuse me again, but has anybody seen Drew act lately? She really stinks! Sure, she's an absolute sweetie in real life, but onscreen? She hasn't performed a decent role since E.T. got her hooked on cocaine! And that's the TRUTH! Pppbbbbthhhh!

Strike 2: And guess who they've hired to play Farrah Fawcett-Majors' most famous character, Jill Munroe? Only the second worst actress in Hollywood... and NO, it's NOT Gwyneth Paltrow! (But she really stinks too!) They're actually hiring Cameron Fawking Diaz! Her I hate for the following profound reasons:

Strike 2, Subsection A: A mop has a better body than Cameron Diaz.

Strike 2, Subsection B: A mop can act better than Cameron Diaz.

Strike 2, Subsection C: A mop would never steal the man who I have had a secret, stomach-churning crush on for years--namely Jared "Jordan Catalano" Leto, from My So-Called Life!! Cameron, that's MY man, you no-talent MOP!

Strike 4... waitasecond... I mean, 3!: It's being written by Men In Black screenwriter Ed "I am such a shameless HACK" Solomon, who promises "a campy feminist take on the original's smile and jiggle excesses." In other words, there will be NO jiggling of any kind, and any feminism injected into the script will be written by a MAN. And historically speaking, feminists aren't known for being big fans of "campy," anyway.

However! If these strikes aren't bad enough, there will probably be more to come, because they still haven't cast the roles of either Kelly Garrett (played to perfection by Jaclyn "I now sell clothes for Kmart" Smith) or perhaps the show's most important character, BOSLEY (David Doyle, who we all remember as the show's dumpy perv). These roles are KEY, and even though they haven't started looking for a Bosley yet, the names mentioned as possibilities for Kelly Garrett are positively sphincter-clenching: Jenny McCarthy (eep!), Angelina Jolie (who?), and--prepare yourself--former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell (auuughhh! Get that image away from me!!). Who's next? Party of Five's Jennifer Love Hewitt?? Brrrrrrr. The skin crawls.

It is becoming increasingly obvious that there is only ONE person right for the role of Kelly Garrett, only ONE person who could play the role to perfection, and that ONE person is... Alyssa Milano (Who's the Boss?)! No... wait! On second thought, that person is... Tori Spelling (Beverly Hills, 90210)! Think about it! Her goddam pop (Aaron Spelling) created Charlie's Angels, so as far as I'm concerned that makes her a LEGACY. And what about Bosley? Likewise, there is only ONE choice for this role as well, and that ONE person is... Chris Farley! No...wait! He's dead. That person is... weatherman Al Roker! Hey, think about it! Who's more perverted than him?