Jeremy Eaton

Me? Not a big fan of "the occult." I recently saw a TV documentary about modern witchcraft in which chubby British people were nude-dancing around a pentagram, and I'm pretty sure one of them put a spell on me. (How else could that vomit mysteriously wind up in my mouth?) Therefore, let me state for the record that any kind of "sorcery, magick, or bewitchment" creeps me the fawk out and has no place in modern society.

So why then is CNN consorting with the devil? Like millions of nonwitch Americans, I was watching election results last Tuesday on CNN—nervously eating bags of Cheetos as my underpants became soaked with jittery perspiration. And up until a certain point, CNN was completely devoid of hocus-pocus, hoo-doo, or thaumaturgy.

Then suddenly, without warning, correspondent Wolf Blitzer (who was in New York) conjured up a hologram of superhot political reporter Jessica Yellin (who was in Chicago), causing me to leap up on my chair and scream, "What foul wizardry is this?!? Verily this Wolf Blitzer is a patron of the black arts!" Even more disturbing, Jessica was not in the slightest bit naked. I mean... C'MON! What is the point of conjuring holograms if they're just going to stand there talking politics in a pantsuit from Ann Taylor Loft?

But it got worse! Apparently jealous of Blitzer's evil powers, fellow correspondent/ staff necromancer Anderson Cooper decided to do a little conjuring of his own... by invoking the ghostly hologram of rapper! Again... not naked! Sure, one could make the argument that was there to give a black person's perspective on Obama's role in modern politics—but why did he have to be magically summoned? He couldn't take a cab? He couldn't use the phone? Was he afraid a TV camera would steal his soul? NONE OF THE ABOVE! The only reason was materialized was because Anderson Cooper wanted to show off his "mad warlocky skilz."

Look, Anderson. I understand that you worship at the cloven hooves of your dark lord Mephistopheles. I get that. I also understand that you (as well as your friend, Wolf) possess weird, unearthly powers that you employ at your ease. However, all I ask is that you occasionally—just occasionally—use your powers for "good" rather than "evil." Why conjure up Jessica Yellin, when you can conjure up Jessica Yellin naked? Why summon the holographic image of, when you could just as easily summon the entire cast of Gossip Girl... naked? In the exalted name of Lucifer, malevolent angel of darkness, I beseech thee, Anderson Cooper! Make thy evil spells more entertaining!

(P.S. If it's all the same to you, I'd like to stay right here and fully clothed, thankyouverymuch.) recommended