Dear owner and operators of my local 7-Eleven: I'm writing to express my EXTREME disappointment in your current selection of Thor Slurpee cups. As you may know, I'm wildly excited for this weekend's premiere of the feature film Thor—so much so, in fact, I intended to purchase every Thor Slurpee cup you have in stock. Therefore, you can imagine my horror when I discovered that every one of your Slurpee containers depicted Thor... without his helmet.
WHAT... THE... CRAP? Do you realize what a colossal blunder you've made? Thor without his helmet is like Batman without pointy ears! Wolverine without pop-up knuckle knives! Wonder Woman without her camel toe!
It's bad enough that Thor is being played by long-haired pretty-boy Chris Hemsworth, who, according to the movie trailers, ALSO doesn't wear a helmet, and... WAIT. I'm beginning to suspect who's actually behind this Slurpee cup fiasco—so I'm gonna write another letter. BUT DON'T GO ANYWHERE, LOCAL 7-ELEVEN! I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU YET!!
Dear actor Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor in the upcoming movie Thor: I'm writing to express my EXTREME disappointment in your idiotic decision not to wear a Thor helmet! What? Pretty-boy movie actor doesn't want to get "helmet hair"? FREAK YOU, FRUIT CUP. Wearing Thor's helmet is not a "character choice," you foppy dandy-lad! If you want to play the goddamn God of Thunder, then you pick up the goddamn hammer and you wear the goddamn helmet!! Thanks to your pretty-boy vanity, you've not only ruined Thor (the movie), you've also ruined Thor (the Slurpee cup), which was previously the highlight of my freaking year! Suck my baloney, you piece of crap nancy-boy dip-poop—wait. On the off chance it wasn't your decision to forgo the helmet, I'm going to write another letter... BUT DON'T YOU GO ANYWHERE!!
Dear director and producers of the feature film Thor: I'm writing to express my EXTREME disappointment in your... oh, forget it. WHERE THE FREAK IS THOR'S FREAKING HELMET??? You creepy Hollywood types are too goddamn busy snorting coke off Angelina Jolie's cans to give a poop about "CONTINUITY" or "RESPECTING THE MARVEL UNIVERSE" or "AWESOME WINGED HELMETS"! Well, let me tell YOU something, you blasphemous blow freaks! Your precious little Thor movie isn't the only game in town! As a matter of fact, the always-reliable Syfy network has its own terrible Thor movie debuting this week (Sat May 7, 9 pm) entitled Almighty Thor. This extremely low-budget affair stars Cody Deal (never heard of him) as the God of Thunder, pro wrestler Kevin Nash as Odin (suck it, Anthony Hopkins), and—brace yourselves, folks—Richard Grieco (21 Jump Street!!!) as the evil Loki! And oh yes, not only does this almighty Thor swing an almighty hammer, he also blasts bad guys' faces off with an UZI! And best of all, his helmet is... his helmet is... ohhhhh NO. You've got to be freaking kidding me! This cheap-ass Thor isn't wearing a helmet, either??? THAT'S IT! NOBODY FREAKING MOVE!!!
Dear makers of Syfy's Almighty Thor: WHERE... IS... THE... FREAKING... HELMET????
WEDNESDAY, MAY 4
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
It’s down to the top five! (America! Do your part and vote off that Asperger’s crybaby!!)
9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
Claire and Gloria’s Mother’s Day festivities turn into a mother-effing disaster.
THURSDAY, MAY 5
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
New manager Deangelo (Will Ferrell) shows his true colors—and they come from a very crappy palette.
10:00 NBC 30 ROCK
Season finale! Liz’s summer in the Hamptons is unsurprisingly ruined when Tracy moves in next door.
FRIDAY, MAY 6
9:00 FOX FRINGE
Season finale! Paul meets his destiny, and a team member (un)surprisingly croaks.
SATURDAY, MAY 7
9:00 HBO LADY GAGA’S MONSTER BALL TOUR
A live Madison Square Garden performance from Lady Gaga (ooh-la-la, roma, roma-ma)!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Tina Fey hosts—and I think she should try to do a Michele Bachmann impression. But that’s just me.
SUNDAY, MAY 8
8:00 CBS AMAZING RACE
Season finale! The final pair race from somewhere to someplace else in order to win something.
9:00 HBO GAME OF THRONES
Sansa and Arya attend a jousting tournament—and by “jousting” I mean “sexing.”
MONDAY, MAY 9
8:00 NBC CHUCK
Chuck and Sarah tie up some loose ends before their wedding, which include rescuing his mom from murderers.
9:00 SYFY STARGATE UNIVERSE
Series finale! Don’t miss this final episode, unless you’re like me and never watched a single one of them.
TUESDAY, MAY 10
8:00 FOX GLEE
It’s prom time, and the kids wonder who will be king and queen (or drag queen and king).
10:00 MTV WORST. PROM. EVER.—Movie
(2011) Three kids seek revenge on the prom dates who dumped them in this made-for-MTV movie.
Put thy helmet on!!