You know, I'm constantly deluged with mail requesting intimate details about Wm.â„¢ Steven Hump-me: what I have for breakfast, where I buy my snappy threads, the length of any pertinent bits of genitalia.... However! Many are also interested in learning more about "the second Mrs. Wm.â„¢ Steven Humphrey."

Longtime readers have undoubtedly noted passing mentions about her and our famous knock-down, drag-out fights over who the better actor is, Magnum P.I.'s Tom Selleck or Hogan's Heroes' Werner Klemperer (Colonel Klink). (For the record, Werner Klemperer is better, and if the second Mrs. Wm.â„¢ Steven Humphrey tells you any different, she's a big dumb asshole.)

As you can see, this relationship was never meant to be. But that doesn't stop readers from asking about her. People want to know the true story of how a love so wrong could turn into a divorce that was so, so right. Though the full story can only be told in three weighty biographies (as written by that overrated hack Dave Eggers), I'll try to nutshell it for you.

The second Mrs. Wm.â„¢ Steven Humphrey was a brazen hussy with a mounting goofball habit, an irritating tendency of refusing to shave, and an undying need for cruel sex with anything on two legs (and occasionally three). I loved her instantly. We laughed, we loved, we stole bottles of Mad Dog from winos on the street. After a hasty Tijuana wedding, we fell into marital bliss--for exactly three hours. Then the Klemperer/Selleck arguments began, and that ended that.

Naturally, Klemperer and Selleck were only symptoms of a deeper problem: a lack of understanding. Sometimes I wish we had TV shows like the female-friendly The View (Mon-Fri, 10 am, ABC) and its testosterone-laden doppelgänger The Other Half (debuting this fall on NBC) to teach us what each gender really wants. While The View is hosted by five gabby gals who speculate about what makes men tick, The Other Half features four chatty Charlies who promise to reveal what men are actually thinking. And look who they're getting to represent mankind: ex-child-actor/drug addict Danny "Partridge Family" Bonaduce; soul brother/model/plastic surgeon Dr. Jan Adams; teenage-hating octogenarian Dick Clark; and self-proclaimed beefcake and Saved by the Bell alum Mario Lopez!

In every episode, these four hunks will share their private insights on manhood with a studio audience of confused, fed-up women, and answer pertinent questions such as, "When men take off their underpants, why do they always kick them up in the air before catching them?" Very exciting.

Anyway, I can't help but think that if the second Mrs. Wm.â„¢ Steven Humphrey had seen this show, she might've had an easier time understanding why I'm such a prick. After all, I'm an ex-druggie--just like Bonaduce. I'm swarthy and have big muscles--just like Lopez. I've got at least as much soul as a black plastic surgeon from Beverly Hills... and oh yeah! I pee my pants--just like Dick Clark. So take that, the second Mrs. Wm.â„¢ Steven Humphrey! As you can see, I AM THE PERFECT MALE SPECIMEN! (If you don't count Werner Klemperer.)