Just in case there's any confusion, let me clear up something RIGHT NOW: If anybody tries to send me mail with anthrax in it--I'm going to kick your ass! That goes for e-mails, too!! I'm sure many of you are wondering, "Humpy, baby! I loves that sweet and juicy ham! Why would anyone want to anthrax it?" Well, as you may have heard, the offices of the National Enquirer--the supermarket tabloid that tells it like it is!--was infected by the deadly virus, probably by someone who can't bear to hear the TRUTH. And since I have a reputation for writing a weekly column that holds the same regard for the TRUTH as the National Enquirer, it's not a stretch to imagine that some of my enemies might try to slip me some anthrax sneezing powder!

Who are these "enemies," you may ask? Here is a shortened list: THE KRAUTS. They hate my stinking guts, and just last week they bombarded me with e-mails trying to stop me from constantly referring to anyone of German heritage as an "Aryan goose-stepping rat bastard." Since their particular Reich ended over 50 years ago, they think--and this is a QUOTE!--"You have to forget the past.... Maybe there are still people who think like that, but they are older people and pensioners. You should write more objective and moderate columns." OH YEAH?? Well, I say, "Sit on it, Krautsie!" Everybody may have their eye on the Taliban, but listen up, "Uncle Adolf!" I've got my eye on YOU! So if any anthrax comes blowing my way, I'll be breaking off my boot in your fahrvergnügen!

Okay... now... once again, I've strayed so far from my original theme, I have no idea what I'm talking about. OH YEAH! Speaking of unusual ways to combat terrorism, Daily Variety (who never get anthrax scares, 'cause they're wusses) reported that the Pentagon has enlisted the help of Hollywood screenwriters to come up with "possible terrorist attack scenarios," so our troops will be ready for anything. Among those on hand were the screenwriters for Die Hard (okay... makes sense), for Delta Force One: Missing in Action (Yeaahhh, baby!), and for the classic TV show MacGyver (Whooo-HOO!), as well as the person who directed Grease (Ka-BOING! HUHHHH??).

GREASE?? What the hell was that fruitcake doing there? Is one of the "possible terrorist attack scenarios" going to be Olivia Newton-John and Barbarino standing by the Statue of Liberty singing "Summer Lovin'"? Yeah, that's scary as shit, but it sure ain't terrorism!

Regardless! Hiring the writer for MacGyver is a fawking GREAT idea, because fawking MacGyver can get his ass out of any situation. Bury him 100 feet underground with a nuclear bomb taped between his thighs, and MacGyver will somehow get out using only some thread, a pen cap, and a cardboard paper-towel roll.

In fact, the Pentagon should just forget about this ridiculous bombing of Afghanistan, and send MacGyver over there to take care of bizzy-izzy-ness! He'll have the entire job done in ONE HOUR (sans some well-timed commercial breaks). Just give him an Eveready battery, a pair of sweat socks, and a coffee filter (to use as a makeshift gas mask), and consider the case CLOSED.

Hmm... coffee filter as a gas mask? Not a bad idea! Bring on the anthrax, Krautsie!