[Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is vacationing this week in Borneo (where, according to him ,"people are more horny-o!"). In the meantime, enjoy this classic column from the I Love Television™ archives.--eds.]

True, I have often been complimented on my extraordinary writing talent. However! Check out this advice column written by Suzanne Crough (a.k.a. Tracy Partridge, the youngest daughter from The Partridge Family), which I dug up from an issue of Teeny Bopper magazine originally published in 1973! This is real talent, baby, and I'm just glad she was killed in a cement-mixer accident back in '82, 'cause I would've hated to compete with HER! Enjoy!

HI THERE, TEENY BOPPERS! TRACY PARTRIDGE HERE, and welcome back to my column, Ask Tracy. Being a kid is a real downer, isn't it? That's why I'm happy to use the expertise I've developed from my role on The Partridge Family to help solve your tough personal problems... just like this one!

Dear Tracy,

I'm in the fifth grade and I've fallen in love with a boy named Hector. He doesn't pay any attention to me, so I don't know if he likes me. Help, Tracy!

Sally Boone, Norman, OK

Dear Sally,

"Love" can be really fucked up. Like, last year when I was 10? I was totally in love with this electrician on the set, and he really dug me, too, but my Mom was being a real bitch about it, because he was 23 and black. And I was like, "MOM! What is your major malfunction? I haven't even slept with him yet!" Anyway, she was all like, "While you live in my house, you'll abide by my rules!" and I was like, "Mom, I bought you this house with my money, so don't start thinking you're the boss of ME!" So to make a long rap short, I bought mom a studio down on Verona Beach, and Jerome (the electrician) moved in with me. Boys like free rent. Ask Hector to move in.

Dear Tracy,

Some kids at school tried to get me to smoke cigarettes, but I refused. Now they won't even talk to me! What should I do?

Erica Dunsberry, Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Erica,

Stop acting like a goddamn baby. Cigarettes are great! Shit, I've been smoking since I was eight! You want something to really impress your friends with? Try grass! I got turned on to grass last year at this studio party, and like, my stress level has gone way down. Plus all the adults think I'm cool. So, the next time those hicks you go to school with pull out a pack of smokes, you pull out the marijuana. Nothing says "cool" like drugs!

Dear Tracy,

I am so in love with Keith, your brother on The Partridge Family! He is so dreamy, and I have a picture of him that I sleep with and kiss under the covers every night. Is there any way I can meet him? I'm desperate!

Stefanie Schenker, Wausaukee, WI

Dear Stef,

Honey. Please! First of all, his real name is David, and the only reason anyone would want to meet him is if they're looking for a sexually transmitted disease. But if you're really that desperate, you should show up at the ABC studios on Thursday afternoons after the show. Hang around outside Studio "B" by the doorway in the alley. That's what David calls the "slut gauntlet." He usually picks out at least a couple of the girls to service him in his trailer, before he heads home to his wife. Who knows? You might get "lucky." Ick.