You know that feeling of being sound asleep, and some b-hole thinks it would be funny to dump a trash can full of ice on your crotch? (Sniff. Real funny, Dad!) Well, get ready for the TV equivalent of a groin-full of ice cubes, because you've just awoken to one of the busiest TV weeks of the year!
"But... but... nothing decent has been on for weeks! And I've forgotten how to use my TiVo! And I've started reading Twilight! And..." SLAP! Snap out of it! Look, this busy week of TV is not coming—IT'S ALREADY HERE! So stop trembling like a rabbit getting a colonoscopy and start watching the shit out of some TV! Like maybe this...
• The Beast (A&E, Thurs Jan 15, 10 pm). Patrick Swayze returns as an FBI agent who may or may not be a goddamn traitor. (BTW, I don't care if Swayze does have pancreatic cancer. To me, he'll always be snapping necks as the lead bouncer at Road House's Double Deuce. So f-bomb YOU, Death!)
• Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi, Fri Jan 16, 10 pm). EEEK! It's the first episode of the final half of the very last season of the most nerdtastic show ever! Will the BSG crew find Earth? Who is the final Cylon? And when is that life-size blow-up Number Six doll (with anatomically correct holes) going to appear in stores?
• Big Love (HBO, Sun Jan 18, 9 pm). Three wives isn't as sexy as it sounds. In the third-season opener, Bill tries to keep his polygamy a secret at work while enduring a three-way nag-a-thon at home!
• The United States of Tara (Showtime, Sun Jan 18, 10 pm). Starring Toni Collette, The United States of Tara is about a housewife with four wildly different personalities, including a rambunctious, pot-smoking teen and a macho, beer-guzzling dude. My mom only has two personalities: adorable and adorable-r. Luv u, Mom! Dad, you're a creep.
• Lie to Me (Fox, Wed Jan 21, 9 pm). Tim Roth (Reservoir Dogs, Incredible Hulk) stars as a Mexican circus dwarf with one leg and a permanent yeast infection who flies around the galaxy on a half-eaten hot dog rescuing monkeys from Australian foot fetishists, and... what? You think I'm LYING? Then maybe you should call Tim Roth, America's leading "deception specialist," who can supposedly catch any crook in a lie and helps the cops crack their trickiest cases! (Though I'd rather see him as an interstellar one-legged dwarf. Wouldn't you?)
• Lost (ABC, Wed Jan 21, 9 pm). This season, Jack and buggy-eyed Ben are gonna go nuts trying to find the missing island, and maybe without the help of Hurley, Kate, Sun, and Sayid! Sure, they'll be able to get Locke to join them—because he's DEAD! But who wants to fly with a dead guy? They STINK! And what if the island was sent back in time? What if Sawyer wakes up and some old dude in pantaloons says, "Oh, hello. I'm Benjamin Franklin. I'm going to discover electricity today." And what if... OWWW! Goddamnit, Dad! Stop throwing ice on my crotch!!