Editor's note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is lazy and on vacation; therefore enjoy this old-timey column from the I Love Television™ crappy column vault, circa 2007.
You know, the really interesting thing about television is... is... GodDAMNIT! Can you please put that video game controller down and listen to me? It really hurts my feelings when I try to pretend I know something about television and YOU'RE mashing buttons on that stupid video game machine. Don't you understand?? I have feelings! I have needs! And... NO, I will NOT move my ass from in front of the screen! Why don't you MOVE OUT? OF OUR HOUSE? Need help carrying your bags? Well, ask your friend Donkey Kong! I SAID, GET OUT!!!
Hello, everyone. I'm Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, and what you just witnessed was a short skit about the dangers of video game addiction. Video game addiction can strike anyone—at any time. Think only pimply-faced boys play video games? Think again. A recent study showed that women over the age of 40 actually spend more time per week playing online games than men and TEENS. You hear that, Mom? Get your ass BACK in the kitchen and heat me up a Hot Pocket!!
Just kidding. My mother's dead. But here's my point: With menopausal women shoving teens and emotionally stunted men off the couch in order to play video games—there's LESS time for you and I to watch TV! And video game makers are actually making things WORSE by catering to these women. According to a recent news story, Buena Vista Games is coming out with a game based on ABC's dumbfoundingly inane show Desperate Housewives. (I only wish I were kidding.)
The Desperate Housewives game is due out in September, and plays a lot like The Sims. In the game, you are a new housewife moving onto Wisteria Lane, which means you have one job to accomplish: gossip, lie, steal, sleep with someone else's husband, and possibly commit murder. ("Boring people to death" is another hallmark of the show, but they're not advertising that aspect.)
You can also fully customize your character's home (selecting furniture and upgrading appliances) and even how you look, choosing from "hundreds of facial features, body types, and clothing options." NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE! Finally I can crossdress without getting all those dirty looks from my mother—in heaven. (God! Why can't she mind her own business??)
Plus, players can compete in "mini games" such as a cooking competition and gardening challenge. WOW. Don't forget the "suicide challenge" when you realize you're playing a game that is even more boring than your ACTUAL LIFE. For the love of Keeee-rist, why can't these video game designers pick a more interesting subject... like, oh, I don't know... ME? In the I Love Television™ game, players would LOOK JUST LIKE ME, and compete in the following events: (1) Finger-banging the mayor's daughter. (2) "Borrowing" cars and not returning them. (3) Converting college students to homosexuality. (4) Fighting aliens. And (5) maybe watching a little TV. You know, JUST LIKE REAL LIFE!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 31
8:00 CBS BIG BROTHER
The housemates begin to wonder if the entire world has forgotten they’re in there. (Spoiler alert: We have.)
9:30 TLC I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT
A woman can’t understand why she can’t lose weight… and besides, why is her vagina screaming?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1
10:30 FX LOUIE
Louie’s niece comes to visit, and… let me guess: she’s depressed and contemplative? (BE MORE FUNNY, LOUIE!!)
Midnight TOON CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL
Season finale! The staff is visited by a local news station… and what happens could surprise you!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2
8:30 TOON THUNDERCATS
Lion-O is shocked and suspicious when he finds another cat’s hairball in his bed.
9:00 DSC MAN, WOMAN, WILD
Season premiere! The pair is lost at sea… thanks to somebody being a raft backseat driver!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
A little boy is terrified of creepy green dolls living in his cupboard. KILL THEM WITH FIRE!!
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4
9:00 DSC DINOSAUR REVOLUTION
Debut! A new documentary series about which dinosaurs made the cut, and which bit the dust!
10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry develops an unhealthy relationship with Mister Softee (which is an ice cream and not his penis, BTW).
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 5
9:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN
It’s down to the last six chefs, which means only six more chances to call them “fucking donkeys.”
10:00 ANI HILLBILLY HANDFISHIN’
A new group of city slickers are taught to catch giant catfish by hand (instead of letting illegal immigrants do it).
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6
9:00 ABC TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
Season finale! The final three contestants attempt to hide a poop-ton of money from professional investigators.
10:00 FX SONS OF ANARCHY
Season premiere! The biker drama returns with the gang out of jail and ready to leave a huge carbon footprint.
Put down that video controller thingy!!!