SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT CHILDREN ARE our future--and I say that's a load of ass cookies! If you ask ME, kids have had it too good, for too long! Take daycares, for example. Every day millions of children get dropped off at these fancy-pantsy daycare facilities--yet what are these kids actually doing? NOTHING. Unless you call sitting around in a diaper filled with excrement and drooling down the front of a "Grandma Loves Me" T-shirt doing something. On the other hand, we adults work our fanny packs off every cotton-pickin' day at ridiculous jobs doing ridiculous things for ridiculous people, and what do WE get in return? Again, NOTHING. Unless you call slowly being turned into pencil-pushing alcoholic zombies with job-inflicted Tourette's syndrome and a permanent yeast infection getting something.
Well, let me tell you, I've just about had enough of these toddling freeloaders sucking the nipples off the government teat. I say put these punks to work, doing jobs that will lessen the load for the rest of us! Like... I don't know... becoming guide dogs for the blind. Or bait for catching crocodiles. Or footstools. The point is, it's time we grown-ups got to sit in a diaper filled with excrement for a while! And this is why I've come up with "Humpy's TV Daycare Center... FOR ADULTS!"
Picture it! A state-of-the-art adult daycare facility where you can spend time away from the hustle and bustle of modern-day life, sitting on your ass and watching TV. No interruptions! No nagging spouses! And most importantly, NO KIDS!! But you may be saying to yourself, "HOLD IT, Wm.™ Steven Hump-me! How is your daycare facility different from me simply showing up unannounced to watch TV at a friend's house?"
Well, I will tell you! Your friends don't like you showing up at their houses! Besides, do your so-called "friends" have a 36-inch big-screen TV? (NO!) Do they have a fridge stocked with icy beer and cream-filled spongy cakes? (NO!) And do they have PORNO? (NO! NO!) Friends will also deny you comfortable seating like the 1999 "Magic Fingers" La-Z-Boy recliners you'll find in every one of our facilities. And of course, your friends are woefully inadequate (when compared to me!) at recommending entertaining shows to watch. For example! Say you decide to enroll in "Humpy's TV Daycare Center... FOR ADULTS!" Just look at all the great shows you could be watching with me in the coming weeks!
Atomic Train (May 16, NBC) St. Elmo's Fire star and former sex offender Rob Lowe is trapped on a runaway train--filled with live nukes! How can you even imagine watching this butt-clenching thriller alone??
Thumb Wars (May 18, UPN) It's an adaptation of Star Wars, as performed by actual human thumbs. After watching this show, daycare members are invited to perform their own thumb-puppet show, re-enacting the biblical tale of "Jonah and the Whale" (with their thumbs as Jonah, and their bottoms as the whale! Oooh-la-la!).
Walker, Texas Ranger (May 22, CBS) Prepare to huddle together in fear as Walker is trapped in a crashed plane at the bottom of a lake, with a ticking time bomb, a bag full of angry rattlesnakes, and that ugly little girl who does those annoying Pepsi commercials.
Home Improvement (May 25, ABC) We will celebrate the FINAL EPISODE EVER of Tim Allen's ridiculously bad sitcom by snorting an actual bag of cocaine from Tim Allen's own collection before he got arrested and sold out to Disney.
See? At "Humpy's TV Daycare Center... FOR ADULTS!" we specialize in giving you the high-quality daycare your hectic lifestyle demands, and at a price even a millionaire can afford. Oh, and did I mention we have hookers?