Well, FAWK... YOU!
Ha! Just kidding. Seriously, though, I will admit some of my more recent columns could possibly give the impression that I'm "Mr. Hissy Fit McFume" when it comes to not getting things my way. For example, there was last week's column where I was very angry about 60 Minutes' Mike Wallace getting his face on a stamp. Or the week before when I was very angry about Luke Perry being chosen to play Evel Knievel. Or the week before that when I was very angry about Alan Alda being invited on E.R. Or the week before that where I was very angry about research chimpanzees being taught to ask for iced coffee. Things like that.
However! You gotta admit this world can be a real pain in the patootie sometimes. Take this week for example: If so inclined, I could get very angry indeed about the rumor floating around the British press saying that George "Dr. Ross from E.R." Clooney will be starring in an upcoming film version of Starsky and Hutch, in which he will play Starsky. Now, if I were truly an angry person, I would hit the mutha-fawkin' roof about this milky-lickin' horseshit! Because I very, very, VERY seriously doubt that George "Ding-Dong" Clooney even knows which one Starsky actually is. And just in case Jughead Clooney happens to be reading this -- Starsky was the dark-haired one, asshole!
But... I'm not angry about it. If the so-called "Hollywood Machine" wants to bulldoze over another '70s television classic without any regard for people's feelings, then by all means, they should do so. My only problem is that when they do manage to ruin Starsky and Hutch, they'll be destroying television's first and (in my opinion) finest homoerotic police drama. Can you name another show in the "buddy cop" genre where the two leads could barely keep their hands off each other? Or take any opportunity to prance around wearing only towels and shoulder holsters? Sure, they pretended to be straight, casting the occasional leering glance at the odd stripper or prostitute, but in the end, these infrequent and unconvincing attempts at heterosexuality seemed as natural as Truman Capote wearing a football uniform.
Regardless, when those thieving jackals of Hollywood get ahold of Starsky and Hutch, you can kiss your sweet and precious homoeroticism goodbye! Because I'll bet you one... no... 50,000 dollars that along with Clooney they'll be casting that meatbag Will Smith as Hutch, and the pair will be so homophobic, they won't even ride in the same red-with-a-white-stripe Ford Torino together! And who would dare take the place of Antonio Fargas as the jive-talkin' pimp/stoolie Huggy Bear? OH! You know EXACTLY who those conniving L.A. Judases will pick! KEVIN FAWKING KLINE, that's who!
The only way I'm EVER going to be satisfied with a Clooney/Smith/Kline combo platter in the film version of Starsky and Hutch is if there is plenty of tongue kissing and at least a smidge of anal penetration! Otherwise, WHAT'S THE FAWKING POINT?? And if there's NOT a lot of sweaty man-on-man sex (along with the aforementioned "smidge" of anal penetration), then THAT'S when I'll be VERY, VERY ANGRY INDEED!! (For those keeping score at home: I am not angry right now. Currently my status is DefCon 3, which translates into being "slightly miffed or a bit more than mildly concerned.")
