Last week's announcement that the WB and UPN will be joining forces to create one slightly more popular network was every TV geek's wet dream. I mean, C'MON! My remote finger was getting absolutely fatigued switching back and forth between Veronica Mars (UPN) and Smallville (WB). Now I can use that finger for other things... such as... (Do you really want to know? OF COURSE YOU DO! But instead, I'm going to leave that to your imagination. Suffice it to say, I have a flexible and wiggly finger.)
This new network will be called "the CW," which is an amalgamation of parent companies CBS Corp. and Warner Bros., and will kick off this fall offering the very best of both networks. This includes such heavy hitters as the WB's Smallville, Gilmore Girls, and Beauty and the Geek, as well as UPN stalwarts America's Next Top Model, Everybody Hates Chris, and Veronica Mars. Unfortunately WWE Smackdown will also be invited along for the ride—as this show appeals to the "hayseed-chewing, screwing-your-sister-behind-the-barn" demographic.
Smackdown aside, this decision makes good business sense. While both networks had some great shows, neither had the reach to duke it out with the big four (ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox). Now they have roughly six shows that are hot shit among the 18–34 demo... and how many does ABC have? Let's see... they have Lost... and ummm... Dancing with the Stars... and ummm... Lost... and ummm, you get the point.
In fact there are no real downsides to the UPN/WB merger—unless you're unfortunate enough to be BLACK. UPN was pretty much holding down the fort within the "urban-adult" demographic, with such shows as Eve, Half & Half, Love Inc. and... you've never even heard of these shows have you? That's because you're a HONKY! You can be embarrassed if you like, but I wouldn't sweat it—most honkies I know love black people, and yet they've never watched a single one of these shows. Generally speaking, honkies are too busy eating mayonnaise sandwiches and cataloguing their Burt Bacharach albums to watch UPN.
However, since these "nonhonky" shows carry such low ratings, I'd be very surprised indeed if any of these programs (other than Everybody Hates Chris) make the new fall lineup. ON THE OTHER HAND, "the CW" is not about to give up UPN's black viewership, so I predict they will come up with a fiendishly clever scheme to retain that audience, such as...
• Black Gilmore Girls: Kim "Tootie from Facts of Life" Fields and that girl from That's So Raven star as an "urban" mother-and-daughter team—who talk twice as fast as "white" Gilmore Girls!
• Black Aquaman: Twice as sexy as honky Aquaman. Added twist: It's about a black guy who can actually swim!
• Everybody Hates White Chris: Everybody loves to hate white Chris. Especially black people.