I get it: You're poor, you're probably unemployed, and you're pissed because I might've caused you or someone you love temporary blindness, uncontrollable crying, coughing, choking, and extreme burning sensations on any exposed skin at an Occupy protest last year. But I'm not the enemy—if anything, I'm the real victim here. For three thousand years, my primary job has been as a food product (essentially!). In an effort to get back to my roots, here's a yummy recipe for traditional pepper-spray biscochito cookies that you won't regret!

Things you'll need:

1 adorable baking companion

2 cups lard or Crisco

1 1/4 cups sugar

3 eggs

1/2 cup sweet white wine

1 tablespoon anise seed

5 1/2 cups flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 canister pepper spray

1/2 cup sugar + 1 tablespoon cinnamon

Cream together the lard and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs, wine, and anise, then add to the lard/sugar mixture. Mix well. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Slowly add to the wet mixture, stirring well until the dough sticks together. (If the dough is too dry, add more wine, a teaspoon at a time; if it's too sticky, add more flour.) Chill the dough for at least an hour.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Roll dough out onto a liberally floured surface. Cut into desired shapes. Dip one side of each cookie into the cinnamon-sugar mixture, and place on the cookie sheet sugar side up. Bake for 10–15 minutes until tops are golden.

Remove from the oven and dip in the cinnamon-sugar again while they're warm. Now turn to your adorable baking companion, and pepper-spray the shit out of him/her to let them know who's boss. You're finally ready to enjoy your biscochitos!