We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

No, I don't regret having two ex-wives. I don't regret simultaneously dating multiple women this election season, either. I don't regret that my mustache makes me look like that guy who sells fried chicken to the blacks (for the last time, NO RELATION)—that mustache helped me get all my votes and all that ass. I really don't regret signing a state supreme court opinion in 2008 that kept gay marriage from being legalized in Washington State, even though I know you really want me to regret it, you quinoa-munching liberal ladyboys. Like the opinion said, "monogamy is inextricably woven into the fabric of our society" and "studies show an average shorter term commitment and more sexual partners for same-sex couples." And in spite of what The Stranger would have you believe, no, I don't see any hypocrisy between that opinion and my swinging private life (because I'm not a gaylord, fucksticks!). Well, fuck you, Stranger—if I'd known you were interested in more than just my renowned walrus penis display on the living room coffee table, I never would have let your faggy reporters tour jeté into my primary-night bash to meet all the gals. I also don't see anything wrong with saying what everyone already knows, which is that African Americans have a crime problem. Fuck you for that one, Seattle Times. What else? Oh, I don't regret reading all of Mein Kampf into the court record on my way out of this leather-bound chair. I don't regret parking first my Jaguar, and then my BMW, in the handicapped space every single day of the 15 years I've worked here. I don't regret dressing up as a Nazi, I don't regret dissing Martin Luther King Jr., I don't regret calling Gandhi a malnourished crybaby, I don't regret writing in Strom Thurmond for president in 2008, none of it! Literally: None of it! Fuck you all! recommended