We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Those Girls in Roslyn

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

I know what you're thinking: "This is pretty tasteless, rape, even for you." But maybe you should shut your yap for a minute, because even I, rape, can have regrets. And this year, my biggest regret is Republicans.

For years, I laughed off Republican efforts to rope me into partisan politics—but in 2012, that became impossible. Suddenly and without my consent, Republicans were giving me a makeover: They "legitimized" me, elevated me to an act that "God intended to happen," equated me to both "normal relations in a marriage" and "a gift" that women should "just relax and enjoy." Republicans even had the audacity to call me a bad case of "buyer's remorse"!

Way to give me a fucking identity crisis, a-holes.

Just to refresh your memory, Republicans, I am nonconsensual sex. Nonconsensual sex is me. That's it. I'm not your little girl willfully getting pregnant out of wedlock, I'm not God's jokey way of getting women laid, and I'm never, ever legitimate. That's just not how I roll. And if you continue to argue with me on this, guys, I will do what I should've done years ago and rape your motherfucking mouths shut. recommended