We Regret These Errors

We Regret These Errors

Sorrowful Remorse

From the Desk of the Enumclaw Horse

From the Desk of Katie Holmes's Fetus

From the Desk of Former Monorail Director Joel Horn

Dept. of Corrections

I Regret Not Killing Benjamin Colton Barnes Before He Got to That Park Ranger

I Regret Republicans Giving Me a Bad Name

I Regret That Señor Romney Lost the Election

We Regret These Errors.

We Regret These Erors

From the Desk of Michael Jackson

I Regret Being Consigned to Eternal Damnation with the Guy Who Drew The Family Circus

I Regret Not Taking Out Lance Armstrong

We Regret Mentioning Suicide, Publishing Essays about Suicide, and Placing Visual Depictions of Suicide on Our Cover

I Regret Nothing

From the Desk of J. Edgar Hoover

We Wish to Announce Several Regrets (We Wish to Announce Several Regrets)

What You Think About When You Think About Chile

I Regret What's Happening to This City

That Sculpture Is a Stain on Our Reputation

I Regret Not Being Considered Food and Offer, for Your Enjoyment, This Recipe

A Guide to the Jokes in This Issue for the Staff of Gawker

Please Allow Me to Set the Record Straight

I Regret Rehab

I Regret that Pit Bulls Find My Face So Delicious

I Regret Macklemore's Tweets

I Regret Killing All-Ages Music

We Regret We’re So Dumb

GODDAMN THEM. I was fucking poised to be both the ruler of homeless people everywhere and the go-to over-the-counter date-rape product of the decade until this group of fucking idiots in some Central Washington boonies town drank too much of me and ended up crying and passing out and getting ambulance rides to the ER. Aww, boo-hoo! Where's my ride? I would fucking LOVE an ambulance ride! Next thing you know, I'm banned in Washington State—along with Grape, Fruit Punch, Orange Blend, Blue Raspberry, Lemon Lime, Lemonade, Cranberry Lemonade, Grape MaXed, and Citrus MaXed—permanently. FOREVER. Then it's like fucking dominoes—the rest of the country in no time flat. Then my creator pulls caffeine, guarana, and taurine out of my recipe. Fucking HELLO, Phusion Projects? HOW ARE THE FUCKING HOMELESS PEOPLE GOING TO STAY CONSCIOUS ENOUGH TO FUCKING PANHANDLE ENOUGH TO GO BACK TO THE STORE AND BUY SOME FUCKING MORE OF ME? recommended